Let us Entertain You... Or Not
There was a time when I thought it was my job to provide constant stimulation and entertainment for my children. I thought I should be playing, teaching or nurturing at all times. Wow. First of all, that's not even possible, even if you are a full-time parent. You still have to take a shower, prepare meals, do some laundry, clean, have an occasional phone conversation or just sit down for a few minutes. The other thing is, it wouldn't be good for them, even if you could spend every waking moment with them. They need to learn to entertain and occupy themselves. It's crucial to their becoming independent, self-sufficient beings.
The amount of time that you leave them to their own devices will vary by developmental stage and the particular needs of your child. Every child is different. Some are very content to do things by themselves, others have to be coached a bit more, but EVERYONE has to learn to be alone. (Alone may mean you are in the next room, not talking to them.) Usually the first child has the most difficult time with this. My oldest had a bit of a hard time when we brought his little brother home, not because he wasn't super excited about the baby. He's wonderful with his brother. The problem he had was with me. He didn't understand or like that I had to take care of the baby so much, which meant I couldn't play as much. It was a rude awakening for the first several months as we all adjusted to a brand new human being at our house.
However, it was so good for my big boy to understand that he had to play by himself sometimes. He even learned how to wipe his own bottom at this point. Up until then, I had been helping with that part of the process. Well, necessity is a mother. I can't breastfeed and wipe a bottom at the same time. I also learned there were many other things I had been helping my older son with and he just didn't need my help anymore. He was hungry, as he often is, and asked me for yogurt. I was breastfeeding, as usual, so I said he would have to wait a little while. He didn't like that answer. I told him that he could go to the kitchen, open the fridge, get one yogurt, close the fridge, get a spoon and bring it into the family room. He was beyond excited to be given such a huge responsibility! He came back with the yogurt and the spoon and asked me to open the yogurt. Again, my hands were full, so I told him to try to do it. He peeled off the top with no problem and then sat down to eat it. The look of satisfaction on his face was absolutely priceless.
Okay, I realize this may not seem like a big deal, especially if you don't have children. To me, it was an epiphany. Suddenly I thought, 'Wow, if he can do these things without my help, what else can he do?' It turns out, A LOT! He can give his brother a bottle. He can put his toys away. He can get his crayons and paper, sit at the table and color. He can even get his paints, squirt them on the approved paper plate, get his brushes, get water in a little dish and sit and paint. That's right, I let him paint UNSUPERVISED. It's washable paint, so if spills, it can be cleaned up. BUT I DON'T CLEAN IT UP FOR HIM. He can do that, too. If he makes a mess, as kids will do several thousand times a day, he cleans it up. I don't have to get angry because he's making more work for me and he learns to clean up his own messes and solve his own problems.
Now, this may sound like I'm lazy and don't want to entertain or take care of my child. It's not about laziness. It's about love. To love is to teach and to teach is to love. If we 'help' our children when they no longer need our help, we are doing them a tremendous disservice. Also, if we keep helping rather than showing or teaching, we are effectively saying, 'I don't think you're capable of doing this on your own. I think you're a baby. I think you'll screw it up.' I don't want to say any of those things to my children. I want them to know I think they can do it. Of course, this doesn't mean they will be able to do things the first time you let them try. They will get frustrated. They might even beg for your help. Have the patience to let them work through the frustration and the pain. Eventually, when they complete the task on their own, they will feel SO GOOD. You will, too.
I will close with this. Even though I encourage independence and self-sufficiency, that doesn't mean I don't play, cuddle or love being with my children. Quite the opposite. The more they can do for themselves, the more interesting activities we can do together. We are having more fun than ever because of my paradigm shift. It's a beautiful thing!
The amount of time that you leave them to their own devices will vary by developmental stage and the particular needs of your child. Every child is different. Some are very content to do things by themselves, others have to be coached a bit more, but EVERYONE has to learn to be alone. (Alone may mean you are in the next room, not talking to them.) Usually the first child has the most difficult time with this. My oldest had a bit of a hard time when we brought his little brother home, not because he wasn't super excited about the baby. He's wonderful with his brother. The problem he had was with me. He didn't understand or like that I had to take care of the baby so much, which meant I couldn't play as much. It was a rude awakening for the first several months as we all adjusted to a brand new human being at our house.
However, it was so good for my big boy to understand that he had to play by himself sometimes. He even learned how to wipe his own bottom at this point. Up until then, I had been helping with that part of the process. Well, necessity is a mother. I can't breastfeed and wipe a bottom at the same time. I also learned there were many other things I had been helping my older son with and he just didn't need my help anymore. He was hungry, as he often is, and asked me for yogurt. I was breastfeeding, as usual, so I said he would have to wait a little while. He didn't like that answer. I told him that he could go to the kitchen, open the fridge, get one yogurt, close the fridge, get a spoon and bring it into the family room. He was beyond excited to be given such a huge responsibility! He came back with the yogurt and the spoon and asked me to open the yogurt. Again, my hands were full, so I told him to try to do it. He peeled off the top with no problem and then sat down to eat it. The look of satisfaction on his face was absolutely priceless.
Okay, I realize this may not seem like a big deal, especially if you don't have children. To me, it was an epiphany. Suddenly I thought, 'Wow, if he can do these things without my help, what else can he do?' It turns out, A LOT! He can give his brother a bottle. He can put his toys away. He can get his crayons and paper, sit at the table and color. He can even get his paints, squirt them on the approved paper plate, get his brushes, get water in a little dish and sit and paint. That's right, I let him paint UNSUPERVISED. It's washable paint, so if spills, it can be cleaned up. BUT I DON'T CLEAN IT UP FOR HIM. He can do that, too. If he makes a mess, as kids will do several thousand times a day, he cleans it up. I don't have to get angry because he's making more work for me and he learns to clean up his own messes and solve his own problems.
Now, this may sound like I'm lazy and don't want to entertain or take care of my child. It's not about laziness. It's about love. To love is to teach and to teach is to love. If we 'help' our children when they no longer need our help, we are doing them a tremendous disservice. Also, if we keep helping rather than showing or teaching, we are effectively saying, 'I don't think you're capable of doing this on your own. I think you're a baby. I think you'll screw it up.' I don't want to say any of those things to my children. I want them to know I think they can do it. Of course, this doesn't mean they will be able to do things the first time you let them try. They will get frustrated. They might even beg for your help. Have the patience to let them work through the frustration and the pain. Eventually, when they complete the task on their own, they will feel SO GOOD. You will, too.
I will close with this. Even though I encourage independence and self-sufficiency, that doesn't mean I don't play, cuddle or love being with my children. Quite the opposite. The more they can do for themselves, the more interesting activities we can do together. We are having more fun than ever because of my paradigm shift. It's a beautiful thing!
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