38th Year, Day 1... Finally out of the Loop.

I can't quite put my finger on why, but I'm feeling extremely optimistic about the upcoming year. My boys are healthy and thriving. My husband's career is going very well and I finally feel like I can focus on a few things that are just for me. This blog is a big part of that. Writing helps me think. It helps me focus. I have a lot of ideas, but not the best memory. If I write things down, I can go back, read it later and realize how brilliant I was (or not). I have journals that go back over almost thirty years. That's right, I kept them all. There were times I wrote daily, but sometimes I would go months or even years without writing. Those were usually dark times. I didn't want to record what was happening because I didn't want to remember it. The only problem with that theory is, due to the previously mentioned bad memory, I would often forget the painful experience and the lesson learned from it. This led to repeating the same mistake many, many times. At some point, however, I learned that if I wrote even when things were very challenging, it would be even more helpful (and a hell of a lot more interesting). There are some pages I can barely force myself to read anymore because I cringe just thinking about the young woman who made such questionable choices. Fortunately, I've already learned the lessons I needed to learn from those periods of my life. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be in a beautiful marriage with two fantastic boys. You can't argue with results.

That's why I can finally accept all the versions and iterations of myself. They all led me to where I am. Every decision I made, (even the ones that had dreadful, heartbreaking results) has contributed to who I am now. I can honestly say that I like the woman I've become. (I'm good enough. I'm smart enough and doggone it, people like me.) I can own all the successes and all the failures and be happy. It's such a relief. It means that I can stop looking back. I can stop that vicious cycle of judging myself and forgiving myself over and over again. I'm out of the loop, in a good way!

If you're in a loop, I hope you let yourself out. It feels so much better.