Common Sense and Competition...
At this point, you may be thinking that I'm a little repetitive and that I seem to say the same thing over and over again. You're right, on both counts. As my dad says, 'Nobody learns anything the first time.' This is especially true for children. That works out well for me because I happen to thoroughly enjoy the sound of my own voice. I also love to write. Okay, I basically like all forms of communication. I want to connect. I want to have a positive influence on those with whom I choose to communicate.
I also tend to be very thorough in my explanations because I know that what I refer to as 'common sense' is, in reality, not common AT ALL. Not everyone thinks that their children are their most important priority. Some people say that they value their children above all else, but their actions fail to reflect that value. Actions really do speak much louder than words. It's easy to say things. It's harder to do them. But, with practice, even the doing gets easier. Having a new baby is hard. It's hard every time you do it, but it does get easier, if you learn from your experiments and stay open to new ideas. It's not enough to say, 'Well, this is how my mom and dad did it, so it's good enough for me. Good enough isn't good enough. Any good parent hopes that their children will learn more than they have learned and do better than they have done. I certainly hope that for my boys. I hope they can take what they think is good about the way they are being raised and then improve upon the areas they feel are lacking. It will be interesting to see that, when it happens. It will be fascinating to watch them make their own choices that are different from the choices I've made. It might be difficult to watch them make mistakes, but I know that, if I don't allow them to make mistakes, they will never learn. Unfortunately, or fortunately, human beings learn the most from the most painful experiences. It is in our nature to avoid pain. So, when we experience something painful, we can say, 'I NEVER want to experience that pain again! I'm going to do something different the next time.' If our parents do not allow us to experience failure, we cannot learn to fail and then how to avoid failure the next time.
This is easier said than done. I find it difficult to see my children in any kind of pain, whether it is physical, emotional or otherwise. I want to make them feel better, but if I do that, I'm not teaching them to make themselves feel better. I'm teaching them that they need me. I don't want them to need me forever. I want them to build their own confidence because they know they can conquer their fears and failures themselves. False confidence helps no one. That's why I hate to see kids being told they're doing a good job when they aren't. I also hate to hear that 'everyone is a winner'. Nope. There are winners and losers. Each game has a winning team and a losing team. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. When you win, you celebrate! When you lose, you try to figure out why you lost so you can improve and win next time. Even little children can understand this. I was playing the game of 'Memory' with Soren, my three-year-old, just the other day. My matches were stacking up quickly. He had a smaller stack. He looked at me and said, 'Mommy, you are beating me. You have more matches.' I said, 'Yes, but the game isn't over.' At the end of the game, I had twice as many matches. He said, 'You won, Mommy, and I lost.' I said, 'Yes, but you got 6 matches all by yourself. That's more than you got last time. I bet you'll be able to beat me one of these days.' To this he replied, 'Yeah! Let's play again!' So, we did.
Letting people win teaches them nothing. My dad didn't let me win when he taught me how to play chess. I found it frustrating, but I still wanted to play. I wanted to get better. I wanted to win! The competitive spirit is a healthy, natural thing. Being a good loser is also important. Being a gracious winner is even more important. Being proud of yourself for mastering a skill or beating the pants off someone in a game is GOOD! Rubbing it in and being a bully about it is not. This is what I hope to teach my boys about competition. They need to compete. They need to learn to win.
I also tend to be very thorough in my explanations because I know that what I refer to as 'common sense' is, in reality, not common AT ALL. Not everyone thinks that their children are their most important priority. Some people say that they value their children above all else, but their actions fail to reflect that value. Actions really do speak much louder than words. It's easy to say things. It's harder to do them. But, with practice, even the doing gets easier. Having a new baby is hard. It's hard every time you do it, but it does get easier, if you learn from your experiments and stay open to new ideas. It's not enough to say, 'Well, this is how my mom and dad did it, so it's good enough for me. Good enough isn't good enough. Any good parent hopes that their children will learn more than they have learned and do better than they have done. I certainly hope that for my boys. I hope they can take what they think is good about the way they are being raised and then improve upon the areas they feel are lacking. It will be interesting to see that, when it happens. It will be fascinating to watch them make their own choices that are different from the choices I've made. It might be difficult to watch them make mistakes, but I know that, if I don't allow them to make mistakes, they will never learn. Unfortunately, or fortunately, human beings learn the most from the most painful experiences. It is in our nature to avoid pain. So, when we experience something painful, we can say, 'I NEVER want to experience that pain again! I'm going to do something different the next time.' If our parents do not allow us to experience failure, we cannot learn to fail and then how to avoid failure the next time.
This is easier said than done. I find it difficult to see my children in any kind of pain, whether it is physical, emotional or otherwise. I want to make them feel better, but if I do that, I'm not teaching them to make themselves feel better. I'm teaching them that they need me. I don't want them to need me forever. I want them to build their own confidence because they know they can conquer their fears and failures themselves. False confidence helps no one. That's why I hate to see kids being told they're doing a good job when they aren't. I also hate to hear that 'everyone is a winner'. Nope. There are winners and losers. Each game has a winning team and a losing team. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose. When you win, you celebrate! When you lose, you try to figure out why you lost so you can improve and win next time. Even little children can understand this. I was playing the game of 'Memory' with Soren, my three-year-old, just the other day. My matches were stacking up quickly. He had a smaller stack. He looked at me and said, 'Mommy, you are beating me. You have more matches.' I said, 'Yes, but the game isn't over.' At the end of the game, I had twice as many matches. He said, 'You won, Mommy, and I lost.' I said, 'Yes, but you got 6 matches all by yourself. That's more than you got last time. I bet you'll be able to beat me one of these days.' To this he replied, 'Yeah! Let's play again!' So, we did.
Letting people win teaches them nothing. My dad didn't let me win when he taught me how to play chess. I found it frustrating, but I still wanted to play. I wanted to get better. I wanted to win! The competitive spirit is a healthy, natural thing. Being a good loser is also important. Being a gracious winner is even more important. Being proud of yourself for mastering a skill or beating the pants off someone in a game is GOOD! Rubbing it in and being a bully about it is not. This is what I hope to teach my boys about competition. They need to compete. They need to learn to win.
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