The Uncomfortable Truths
I find telling the truth to be very easy, now that I'm an adult. I don't really have anything to lie about at this point in my existence. That's a refreshing feeling. However, there are moments that the truth isn't comfortable. It isn't easy and it can even be hurtful. These are the truths that we HAVE to deal with. We may not want to, but we NEED to.
You've already read many of my uncomfortable truths. What are yours? Have you told them to yourself or are you hiding from them? Do you share them with the people you love, or are you afraid they won't love you anymore if you do? Do your children have truths that they are afraid to share with you? Do they confess things to you that you dismiss or ignore?
Dismissing someone when they tell you their Truth is dangerous. It tells that person that you aren't interested. It tells them that they aren't important enough to be heard. The other side of that would be paying TOO much attention to the person when they confess something to you. It's good to listen. It's good to repeat back to them what you've heard them say. It's good to empathize with them. It's good to offer validation. However, if you tell them that their Truth is not true, then you're saying that you think they're wrong. If it's an important subject (which it is, or they wouldn't be confessing) then you're saying their values are misplaced and therefore the person isn't valuable to you.
For example, my four year old son often says that he's 'the worst brother'. He says this after someone gets angry with him or corrects his behavior. We have been responding with, 'No! You're not the worst brother, but we don't think your behavior is acceptable right now.'
That might seem like an good response. It wasn't. My response to this little person saying that he's 'the WORST brother' should be something quite different. It could be something like, 'Oh, Kieran. You seem very sad and angry. Why do you think you're the worst brother?'
By simply asking the person why they think something, we are showing that we care about that person. By saying that we see how they feel, we are communicating that we understand them. If people feel understood, then they feel like they can share with us. If we shut them down by telling them NOT to feel something, then they will eventually stop sharing with us. They might even behave in ways that are totally against their nature, simply to get our attention and to show us that they're going to think and do whatever they want, whether we like it or not! After all, we've already told them that they're wrong and invaluable. That's what they heard when we dismissed or denied their feelings and their Truth.
These are hard patterns to break, especially after my seven years of parenting. However, I know those patters will be even harder to break after ten years, or fifteen or twenty. When I think of the patterns that have been established between my father and me, I'm reminded of how positive things can become between a parent and a child. When I think of the patterns that my mother and I have established over forty years, I realize how hard it is not to fall into the negative ones. We're doing much better these days, but we still have to really try not to hurt each other. We're both working on it, which is why it's improving. I'm very happy about that, but I would like to avoid that kind of pain with my own children. I would like to skip that part. There will be other sources of pain for my children and for myself, but I would like to avoid the pattern of distrust that can easily break down even the most beautiful and important relationships in our lives.
You've already read many of my uncomfortable truths. What are yours? Have you told them to yourself or are you hiding from them? Do you share them with the people you love, or are you afraid they won't love you anymore if you do? Do your children have truths that they are afraid to share with you? Do they confess things to you that you dismiss or ignore?
Dismissing someone when they tell you their Truth is dangerous. It tells that person that you aren't interested. It tells them that they aren't important enough to be heard. The other side of that would be paying TOO much attention to the person when they confess something to you. It's good to listen. It's good to repeat back to them what you've heard them say. It's good to empathize with them. It's good to offer validation. However, if you tell them that their Truth is not true, then you're saying that you think they're wrong. If it's an important subject (which it is, or they wouldn't be confessing) then you're saying their values are misplaced and therefore the person isn't valuable to you.
For example, my four year old son often says that he's 'the worst brother'. He says this after someone gets angry with him or corrects his behavior. We have been responding with, 'No! You're not the worst brother, but we don't think your behavior is acceptable right now.'
That might seem like an good response. It wasn't. My response to this little person saying that he's 'the WORST brother' should be something quite different. It could be something like, 'Oh, Kieran. You seem very sad and angry. Why do you think you're the worst brother?'
By simply asking the person why they think something, we are showing that we care about that person. By saying that we see how they feel, we are communicating that we understand them. If people feel understood, then they feel like they can share with us. If we shut them down by telling them NOT to feel something, then they will eventually stop sharing with us. They might even behave in ways that are totally against their nature, simply to get our attention and to show us that they're going to think and do whatever they want, whether we like it or not! After all, we've already told them that they're wrong and invaluable. That's what they heard when we dismissed or denied their feelings and their Truth.
These are hard patterns to break, especially after my seven years of parenting. However, I know those patters will be even harder to break after ten years, or fifteen or twenty. When I think of the patterns that have been established between my father and me, I'm reminded of how positive things can become between a parent and a child. When I think of the patterns that my mother and I have established over forty years, I realize how hard it is not to fall into the negative ones. We're doing much better these days, but we still have to really try not to hurt each other. We're both working on it, which is why it's improving. I'm very happy about that, but I would like to avoid that kind of pain with my own children. I would like to skip that part. There will be other sources of pain for my children and for myself, but I would like to avoid the pattern of distrust that can easily break down even the most beautiful and important relationships in our lives.
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