The Biggest Challenge
It's 7:11 AM. My sons are eating breakfast and I'm drinking my coffee. We started talking about the blog I just published. I told them the story of my college experience. I told them short version and omitted the truly painful stuff. However, I was honest about the fact that I quit the School of Theater and changed my major to Interpersonal Communication. I was honest about giving up on that a year later. I quit. I went home to my parents. I gave up on myself and my dreams of being a stellar student, actress, lawyer, politician, friend... etc. I gave up on me.
That was twenty years ago. Almost exactly. I went home in February of 1997. I should have graduated in 1998. It haunts me to this day. I failed. I did not achieve my goal. I got a job, eventually. I moved out of my parents' house. I started going back to college, at Xavier University. I did well. I got an 'A' in my first class. My confidence started to come back. Then, a friend of mine offered me a job opportunity in Columbus. I nailed the interview and started my new career. It was 1999 and I was excited and happy, again.
I did well, at first. I loved working as a Software Training Specialist. How was I qualified to do that job? I had absolutely no experience with technology. I could talk, write and teach. I was good at those things. My company saw that potential. The VP who interviewed me said he saw 'raw talent'. I liked hearing that. It had been a very long time since anyone had recognized that in me. He became a mentor. He pushed me, challenged me and I rose to the occasion. I worked long hours, burned the candle at both ends and started writing poetry at this time.
I failed in many ways. I wasn't good with money. I spent more than I made. I got into debt. I ignored the debt and it got bigger. My car broke down. I couldn't afford to fix it. I called my dad. He payed for the car to be repaired. He said I would have to pay him back and that he would NEVER rescue me again. I felt like a failure.
I consolidated my debt. I paid it off. I kept working. I met my husband. I fell in love with him immediately. He wasn't ready to get married. He didn't want to have children. He ended the relationship because he said he didn't want me to wait for something that would never happen. I was devastated.
Eventually, I went back to OU, at a branch campus. I got straight A's again. I worked very hard at my job. I got a new position within my company and they were paying a percentage of all the classes that I took. My dad offered to assist with the rest of the money. I did not take him up on that. I didn't want to ask anymore of my parents than they had already given. I was 25.
I moved to Indianapolis. I worked hard. I continued taking classes online. I got involved in a local community theater. I played a very challenging role in a play, simply because the actor who was cast didn't show up for rehearsals. The director asked me to read for the part, because I was the stage manager. He heard me read for one rehearsal and cast me in three roles on the spot.
It was fun, but it was hard to manage the theater rehearsals while working a demanding full-time job. I did it well, but it took it's tole on my performance, both at work and on stage. The director wanted more. My manager wanted more. I gave them both more.
The play was good. My parents and friends drove to Indianapolis to see it. They were so pleased for me. They said it was one of my best performances ever. I was satisfied, but I didn't really enjoy the play. It was not a fabulous play. We never played to a large audience. I didn't get that magical theater feeling.
So, I didn't audition for the next one. Work was even more demanding. My company lost the contract with the State of Indiana. All of us were going to 'hit the bench', as they say in the consulting world. I started sending my resume out to anyone who would read it. Again, the friend who got me my first job, reached out. She was on a project that needed another Business Analyst. I was a Quality Assurance Analyst at the time, but I had been a BA on other projects. I interviewed for the position with the Cincinnati Department of Health and Human Services and got the job. I traveled to Cincinnati. I didn't do very well in the position. Another position came up at the airport, where we had a contract with a small Delta airline.
I got that job. I did it for six month. I was the lead QA consultant. They didn't want to do what I suggested. I gave up. I went to work, but I didn't really work. They wouldn't listen and I wouldn't do it their way. I got let go at the end of my contract. My new consulting firm put me 'on the bench'. I worked internally for them. I demonstrated how they could improve their processes and their internal systems. They loved me.
They sent me out on another assignment. This one went very well for about a year. I was highly motivated, because I couldn't lose my apartment. That's how it was. I was hanging by a thread. I could barely relax enough to sleep. I started seeing a doctor because I was having panic attacks. I thought I was having a heart attack, but it was just the anxiety of wondering if I was going to keep my job or fail again.
Eventually, the anxiety went away. I had a strong team, good friends and was starting to get in control again. I worked hard. Then things happened. The man I was dating broke up with me. I started giving up again. I started calling in sick to work. My manager sat me down and said, 'I want to help you. You seem so lost. Can I help.'
I told her she couldn't. I told her I was sick. I told her I had to take some time off. She gave me the time. I took more. She wanted to help me. I wouldn't let her. I got fired. I got very depressed. I couldn't pay my rent. I had to move in with my best friend. I slept on his couch and put all of my furniture in my Grammy's garage. I found a new job in Dayton, Ohio. I moved into my own apartment. I paid my bills. I started dating. I started feeling better.
My husband called me. We started talking. We got back together in March of 2006. I got a job in Cincinnati. I moved in with him in June. I still struggled with my job. I struggled because I hated it. I gave up again and couldn't make my car payments. I let them get over 90 days behind. They called to repossess it. I told my husband (then boyfriend). He paid the bill. He told me that he would only do that once. Sound familiar? We got engaged. We got married. We've had two children. You know about that part.
My husband never had to bail me out again. We've been together for almost eleven years. I've never quit on him. I've never quit on my family. I will never quit on them.
Why did it take me 30 years to figure out that I CANNOT QUIT??! It was because I had established a pattern of quitting. It was easy. I was used to it. It's still hard for me not to quit on myself. It's never hard for me to stay with my family. It's difficult work to be a wife, mother and teacher, but it's worth it and I'm doing it.
'Never give in—never, never, never, never, except to convictions of honour and good sense.' - Winston Churchill
That was twenty years ago. Almost exactly. I went home in February of 1997. I should have graduated in 1998. It haunts me to this day. I failed. I did not achieve my goal. I got a job, eventually. I moved out of my parents' house. I started going back to college, at Xavier University. I did well. I got an 'A' in my first class. My confidence started to come back. Then, a friend of mine offered me a job opportunity in Columbus. I nailed the interview and started my new career. It was 1999 and I was excited and happy, again.
I did well, at first. I loved working as a Software Training Specialist. How was I qualified to do that job? I had absolutely no experience with technology. I could talk, write and teach. I was good at those things. My company saw that potential. The VP who interviewed me said he saw 'raw talent'. I liked hearing that. It had been a very long time since anyone had recognized that in me. He became a mentor. He pushed me, challenged me and I rose to the occasion. I worked long hours, burned the candle at both ends and started writing poetry at this time.
I failed in many ways. I wasn't good with money. I spent more than I made. I got into debt. I ignored the debt and it got bigger. My car broke down. I couldn't afford to fix it. I called my dad. He payed for the car to be repaired. He said I would have to pay him back and that he would NEVER rescue me again. I felt like a failure.
I consolidated my debt. I paid it off. I kept working. I met my husband. I fell in love with him immediately. He wasn't ready to get married. He didn't want to have children. He ended the relationship because he said he didn't want me to wait for something that would never happen. I was devastated.
Eventually, I went back to OU, at a branch campus. I got straight A's again. I worked very hard at my job. I got a new position within my company and they were paying a percentage of all the classes that I took. My dad offered to assist with the rest of the money. I did not take him up on that. I didn't want to ask anymore of my parents than they had already given. I was 25.
I moved to Indianapolis. I worked hard. I continued taking classes online. I got involved in a local community theater. I played a very challenging role in a play, simply because the actor who was cast didn't show up for rehearsals. The director asked me to read for the part, because I was the stage manager. He heard me read for one rehearsal and cast me in three roles on the spot.
It was fun, but it was hard to manage the theater rehearsals while working a demanding full-time job. I did it well, but it took it's tole on my performance, both at work and on stage. The director wanted more. My manager wanted more. I gave them both more.
The play was good. My parents and friends drove to Indianapolis to see it. They were so pleased for me. They said it was one of my best performances ever. I was satisfied, but I didn't really enjoy the play. It was not a fabulous play. We never played to a large audience. I didn't get that magical theater feeling.
So, I didn't audition for the next one. Work was even more demanding. My company lost the contract with the State of Indiana. All of us were going to 'hit the bench', as they say in the consulting world. I started sending my resume out to anyone who would read it. Again, the friend who got me my first job, reached out. She was on a project that needed another Business Analyst. I was a Quality Assurance Analyst at the time, but I had been a BA on other projects. I interviewed for the position with the Cincinnati Department of Health and Human Services and got the job. I traveled to Cincinnati. I didn't do very well in the position. Another position came up at the airport, where we had a contract with a small Delta airline.
I got that job. I did it for six month. I was the lead QA consultant. They didn't want to do what I suggested. I gave up. I went to work, but I didn't really work. They wouldn't listen and I wouldn't do it their way. I got let go at the end of my contract. My new consulting firm put me 'on the bench'. I worked internally for them. I demonstrated how they could improve their processes and their internal systems. They loved me.
They sent me out on another assignment. This one went very well for about a year. I was highly motivated, because I couldn't lose my apartment. That's how it was. I was hanging by a thread. I could barely relax enough to sleep. I started seeing a doctor because I was having panic attacks. I thought I was having a heart attack, but it was just the anxiety of wondering if I was going to keep my job or fail again.
Eventually, the anxiety went away. I had a strong team, good friends and was starting to get in control again. I worked hard. Then things happened. The man I was dating broke up with me. I started giving up again. I started calling in sick to work. My manager sat me down and said, 'I want to help you. You seem so lost. Can I help.'
I told her she couldn't. I told her I was sick. I told her I had to take some time off. She gave me the time. I took more. She wanted to help me. I wouldn't let her. I got fired. I got very depressed. I couldn't pay my rent. I had to move in with my best friend. I slept on his couch and put all of my furniture in my Grammy's garage. I found a new job in Dayton, Ohio. I moved into my own apartment. I paid my bills. I started dating. I started feeling better.
My husband called me. We started talking. We got back together in March of 2006. I got a job in Cincinnati. I moved in with him in June. I still struggled with my job. I struggled because I hated it. I gave up again and couldn't make my car payments. I let them get over 90 days behind. They called to repossess it. I told my husband (then boyfriend). He paid the bill. He told me that he would only do that once. Sound familiar? We got engaged. We got married. We've had two children. You know about that part.
My husband never had to bail me out again. We've been together for almost eleven years. I've never quit on him. I've never quit on my family. I will never quit on them.
Why did it take me 30 years to figure out that I CANNOT QUIT??! It was because I had established a pattern of quitting. It was easy. I was used to it. It's still hard for me not to quit on myself. It's never hard for me to stay with my family. It's difficult work to be a wife, mother and teacher, but it's worth it and I'm doing it.
'Never give in—never, never, never, never, except to convictions of honour and good sense.' - Winston Churchill
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