The Fundamentals of Unschooling
My father brought up an interesting question yesterday when we spoke on the phone. He's full of great questions that make me truly think about what I'm doing. We were talking about my boys, one of our favorite subjects. I was telling him about our 'unschooling' morning. I told him that we did these things:
Olympic games (on the Xbox Kinect, so we were exercising our bodies)
Lesson about how to handle losing (Kieran was very angry and sad about losing)
Dancing (Elise)
Working out (I did my strength training while the boys continued with their games.)
Two chapters in 'George and the Big Bang' by Lucy and Stephen Hawking
Discussion about the Universe (Elise, Soren, Kieran)
Making lunch (Elise, Soren, Kieran, Bill)
Discussion about why Soren has to make his own lunch
Nutrition discussion (Soren, Elise and Kieran)
Planning the afternoon (Elise, Soren and Kieran)
Thanking each other for the contributions we made to the family today (Elise, Soren and Kieran)
Discussion about what Dad is doing with his companies (Soren)
Singing the alphabet (Kieran)
Making up songs (Kieran, Soren on backup vocals)
Writing a letter to Dad (Soren)
Did we learn important things today? Yes. Did we enjoy it? Most of the time. The only hard moment was when Kieran was so devastated by his performance at the 'Olympics'. Sobbing, yelling, throwing himself on the floor and completely hysterical. I watched him for a moment. I hoped he would stop himself. However, when I saw his face, I realized he had gone over the edge. He was beyond the point where he could control himself. He was kicking and hitting the floor and he then turned on his brother, blaming him and accusing him of cheating.
I got down on the floor next to Kieran. I asked Soren to give us a moment. Soren looked sad. I told him that he didn't do anything wrong, but that Kieran needs some help right now. Soren offered to help. He said they could play a different game or that Kieran could try again. He told Kieran he was actually winning because Kieran had won more rounds than he had. It was all true and very kind, but nothing was being processed by Kieran. He wasn't capable, at that moment. So, I waited. I sat next to him and just waited.
Eventually, the sobbing subsided and he looked at me. He came over and put his head on my chest while the tears rolled down his little cheeks. I said, "I see that you're very sad and angry."
"I'm the worst brother! I'll never be good at this game! I never want to play this game again!"
"I understand that you feel that way right now. That must feel bad." I put my arms around him. "How can I help?"
He cried for a little bit longer. He held on very tightly. Then his body relaxed, "I need to get a tissue! I don't need any help!" He went to the bathroom, blew his nose washed his hands, talked to himself in the mirror for a second and then came back. "Mom, I'm sorry."
I said, "I know. Apology accepted. I'm sorry you were so upset."
Kieran said, "Soren! Let's play this game again! I'm going to beat you this time!"
Soren said, "Great! Hey! You didn't give up! We aren't quitters, are we?!"
"No! We never give up! We fight and we win and I'll beat you this time!"
Wow. I couldn't have taught them this lesson by reading a book to them or explaining how Kieran should have handled the situation. By letting the situation unfold on it's own, Kieran was able to learn how to handle his own emotions. He wasn't alone. He wasn't criticized or yelled at. He was understood. Soren and I were compassionate. We were empathetic.
Even if they never picked up a book today, practiced writing letters or did any math facts (things normally considered to be 'fundamental'), it was a great unschooling day. Because, far more fundamental than traditional 'fundamentals' are the painful moments that we absolutely hate when we're in them. The pain is terrible, but when we conquer that pain and move back into action, we have really accomplished something important.
You know how I feel about giving up. If Kieran learns that he can never give up today, at the ripe old age of four, then he won't have to learn it when he's thirty and the stakes are so much higher! All of the fancy academic stuff won't mean ANYTHING if he doesn't figure out how to handle 'failure'.
If that isn't 'fundamental', then I don't know what is. Without that tenacity, all the intelligence and knowledge in the world mean absolutely NOTHING. When the shit hits the fan, what should you do? Give up and go home? NOPE! You could do what Kieran did. Blow your nose, wipe your eyes and get back in the game!
Olympic games (on the Xbox Kinect, so we were exercising our bodies)
Lesson about how to handle losing (Kieran was very angry and sad about losing)
Dancing (Elise)
Working out (I did my strength training while the boys continued with their games.)
Two chapters in 'George and the Big Bang' by Lucy and Stephen Hawking
Discussion about the Universe (Elise, Soren, Kieran)
Making lunch (Elise, Soren, Kieran, Bill)
Discussion about why Soren has to make his own lunch
Nutrition discussion (Soren, Elise and Kieran)
Planning the afternoon (Elise, Soren and Kieran)
Thanking each other for the contributions we made to the family today (Elise, Soren and Kieran)
Discussion about what Dad is doing with his companies (Soren)
Singing the alphabet (Kieran)
Making up songs (Kieran, Soren on backup vocals)
Writing a letter to Dad (Soren)
Did we learn important things today? Yes. Did we enjoy it? Most of the time. The only hard moment was when Kieran was so devastated by his performance at the 'Olympics'. Sobbing, yelling, throwing himself on the floor and completely hysterical. I watched him for a moment. I hoped he would stop himself. However, when I saw his face, I realized he had gone over the edge. He was beyond the point where he could control himself. He was kicking and hitting the floor and he then turned on his brother, blaming him and accusing him of cheating.
I got down on the floor next to Kieran. I asked Soren to give us a moment. Soren looked sad. I told him that he didn't do anything wrong, but that Kieran needs some help right now. Soren offered to help. He said they could play a different game or that Kieran could try again. He told Kieran he was actually winning because Kieran had won more rounds than he had. It was all true and very kind, but nothing was being processed by Kieran. He wasn't capable, at that moment. So, I waited. I sat next to him and just waited.
Eventually, the sobbing subsided and he looked at me. He came over and put his head on my chest while the tears rolled down his little cheeks. I said, "I see that you're very sad and angry."
"I'm the worst brother! I'll never be good at this game! I never want to play this game again!"
"I understand that you feel that way right now. That must feel bad." I put my arms around him. "How can I help?"
He cried for a little bit longer. He held on very tightly. Then his body relaxed, "I need to get a tissue! I don't need any help!" He went to the bathroom, blew his nose washed his hands, talked to himself in the mirror for a second and then came back. "Mom, I'm sorry."
I said, "I know. Apology accepted. I'm sorry you were so upset."
Kieran said, "Soren! Let's play this game again! I'm going to beat you this time!"
Soren said, "Great! Hey! You didn't give up! We aren't quitters, are we?!"
"No! We never give up! We fight and we win and I'll beat you this time!"
Wow. I couldn't have taught them this lesson by reading a book to them or explaining how Kieran should have handled the situation. By letting the situation unfold on it's own, Kieran was able to learn how to handle his own emotions. He wasn't alone. He wasn't criticized or yelled at. He was understood. Soren and I were compassionate. We were empathetic.
Even if they never picked up a book today, practiced writing letters or did any math facts (things normally considered to be 'fundamental'), it was a great unschooling day. Because, far more fundamental than traditional 'fundamentals' are the painful moments that we absolutely hate when we're in them. The pain is terrible, but when we conquer that pain and move back into action, we have really accomplished something important.
You know how I feel about giving up. If Kieran learns that he can never give up today, at the ripe old age of four, then he won't have to learn it when he's thirty and the stakes are so much higher! All of the fancy academic stuff won't mean ANYTHING if he doesn't figure out how to handle 'failure'.
If that isn't 'fundamental', then I don't know what is. Without that tenacity, all the intelligence and knowledge in the world mean absolutely NOTHING. When the shit hits the fan, what should you do? Give up and go home? NOPE! You could do what Kieran did. Blow your nose, wipe your eyes and get back in the game!
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