The Purpose of Children

I know that's a big title.  Children have so many purposes.  We make children in order to continue the human race.  We have children because we love our partner so much that we feel compelled to create people who are half us and half them.  We have children so that we can teach them everything we know.  We want to pass down all the knowledge and wealth that we accumulate during our lifetimes.

Those are great things to do, but they only focus on what the parents are doing.  What about the child's perspective?  Do they get a vote in their own purpose?  When they're babies, no.  They really don't.  They are born and they are dependent on us for everything.  However, they can communicate.  They cry, they smile and laugh.  They make little sounds that we can understand, if we listen.  Once they can talk, everything changes.  They can tell us things.  First it's very simple things.  Eventually, they can tell us how they think, feel and what they want to do.  Still, we have to listen.

Children know their purpose.  We don't have to give them one.  We don't have to teach them that.  They know.  If we let them explore and give them freedom (while keeping them safe) then they can discover their own purpose.  We can see what they love, and what they're interested in, by their actions.  We can understand their fears by noticing their reactions to different situations.

Okay, so that was all about the kids.  Now, let's talk about the relationship between child and parent.  We know how we feel about our children, but let's think about how our children feel about us.  How did you feel about your parents when you were four or five or nine or seventeen?  Did the relationship change?  Did it get better or worse?

Now, think about your kids.  Mine are seven and four.  Think about the kind of relationship you have with them.  Now think about the kind of relationship they WANT to have with you.  Do they want more of your time and full attention?  Do they want less?  Do they want more support?  Do they need more understanding?  Do you even know what they want?  If the answer to any of these questions is, 'I don't know,' then ASK them.  If they don't want to tell you, that's okay, too.  Simply observe them.  Watch their body language around you.  Chances are, you will be able to tell exactly what they want from you.

Then what?  Give them what they ask for, if possible.  Give them what they need.  Don't say, 'No' right away.  Think about it, if you need to.  Chances are, if you ask them what they truly want or need, they will show you.  It may not even be as huge as you think it will be.  It may be bigger.  It may be so big that you have no idea how to give it to them.  Tell them that.  Tell them you don't know how to give them what they want right now, but that maybe you could work on it together.

Ask them for help.  I asked my older son if he would exercise with me today.  He was happy to!  We danced for half an hour and then did yoga.  He told me I was doing a great job.  He told me I was a good dancer and that he didn't know I was such a good dancer!  That led me to dance even more.  We sang and danced our way into the afternoon.

At lunchtime, I thanked him for helping me get moving today.  I confessed that exercising is one of my hardest things in the world.  He said, "But, it wasn't hard today! You were having a great time!  I'm so proud of you, Mom!"

"Thank you, Soren.  That means more to me than you know.  You are so helpful to me.  You really made me feel very good about myself today."

"Good.  You should feel good about yourself every day.  You're a wonderful mom."

One of Soren's many purposes is to love his family.  He shows us and tells us every single day how much he loves us.  He thanks us for everything, he gives us homemade gifts and he treats us with love and respect.  His purpose, as defined by him, is to love his family, learn a lot and become a Minecraft Pro.  He knows what he wants to do, and they are all good things, even the Minecraft.

Kieran says his purpose is to become an astronaut.  He's four.  He said he wants to take his babies and wife into space with him so they never have to miss him.  Pretty telling.  If that doesn't teach me a lot about Kieran, then I'm not as smart as I think I am.