Are You All In?
I've heard this statement from many people that I love. I just got off the phone with my Grammy and I remembered when she told me not to burden my husband with all of my problems. She told me that when I was newly married. I was annoyed by that. I didn't tell her that at the time. I just listened and thought, 'Well, maybe that's how it was in her day, but that's not how it is now. Now, we are equals. We're partners. We're a team. We can tell each other anything.'
That's true. We can tell each other anything. The question is, should we tell each other EVERYTHING? Do we need to? My husband doesn't tell me every single problem he has with work. He doesn't bother me with things that I can't do anything about. He doesn't worry me, unnecessarily. He's a grown man and he can handle his business.
I'm finally learning that I don't have to share every single thought that runs through my head. He doesn't need to hear it and there's not a damn thing he can do about a lot of it. So, I've become more choiceful. Sometimes I tell him about a problem I'm having with the kids or my own personal goals. I tell him when I'm sick or hurting. I tell him when the kids have driven me completely crazy and I need help. The thing I've learned, however, is that I don't need as much help as I once thought. I'm capable. I'm a good mother. I know how to handle the things that come up in our daily lives. I'm competent. I'm often better at knowing what to do with the boys than he is. That's because I'm with them ALL THE TIME. I know them a little better. I know what they're working on. I know their fears. I know their strengths and their weaknesses.
My husband is a very involved husband and father. I cannot and would not fault him for knowing less than I do about the kids. He is busy with his own work. He still finds plenty of time to help me with the house, kids and our family at large. He does all of that, while running his own companies. He does it all very calmly and rationally.
Grammy was trying to tell me exactly that. She was saying that both the husband and the wife have lots of things to do. We both have challenges and problems that the other one can't do anything about. So, why do we need to tell them about each and every thing that happens in our day? I think I used to do it because I wanted to justify the fact that I had worked hard all day. It was superfluous.
My husband never came home and said, 'What in the world have you been doing all day? The house is a mess and you're sitting on the couch with your feet up while the baby naps? Why didn't you clean, cook and get all the laundry done? Why is the other kid crying and whining? Aren't you doing your job?'
He never asked those questions. Not once. He just came in, kissed all of us and started doing whatever needed to be done. He did laundry, changed babies, fed kids and went to the store. He brought dinner home on the days when I was too tired to cook. He cleaned up toys so that we could walk through the living room without breaking our legs. He did all of that and more, even when he'd had a long day. Eventually I understood that he did all of those things because he wanted to help. He even said, 'Why should I get to come home after working for nine hours and get to sit on the couch when you've already been working for eleven hours and you're exhausted? Why should a mom's job be 24/7 when the husband's job is only 50 hours a week?'
He understood more than I did. He was all in, long before I was. I'm catching up. I'm doing my part. I take care of my boys, teach them, feed them, nurture them and I take care of our home. I can even help my husband with his work, now. I'm able to get everything done, almost every single day. Does that mean my house is perfect? No. Is the laundry done and put away? No. Do I know what I'm making for dinner tonight? Nope.
It means that I did the important things. I worked out this morning. I started the laundry. I got up before my boys so that I could make them tea and toast. I snuggled with my little guys and wiped their noses when they woke up. I made breakfast. I let them talk about their dreams and worries. I listened. I held them. This morning, that's what being 'All In' means. It's time for our unschooling day to continue. They're already working and so am I. That's what it means. What does it mean for you?
That's true. We can tell each other anything. The question is, should we tell each other EVERYTHING? Do we need to? My husband doesn't tell me every single problem he has with work. He doesn't bother me with things that I can't do anything about. He doesn't worry me, unnecessarily. He's a grown man and he can handle his business.
I'm finally learning that I don't have to share every single thought that runs through my head. He doesn't need to hear it and there's not a damn thing he can do about a lot of it. So, I've become more choiceful. Sometimes I tell him about a problem I'm having with the kids or my own personal goals. I tell him when I'm sick or hurting. I tell him when the kids have driven me completely crazy and I need help. The thing I've learned, however, is that I don't need as much help as I once thought. I'm capable. I'm a good mother. I know how to handle the things that come up in our daily lives. I'm competent. I'm often better at knowing what to do with the boys than he is. That's because I'm with them ALL THE TIME. I know them a little better. I know what they're working on. I know their fears. I know their strengths and their weaknesses.
My husband is a very involved husband and father. I cannot and would not fault him for knowing less than I do about the kids. He is busy with his own work. He still finds plenty of time to help me with the house, kids and our family at large. He does all of that, while running his own companies. He does it all very calmly and rationally.
Grammy was trying to tell me exactly that. She was saying that both the husband and the wife have lots of things to do. We both have challenges and problems that the other one can't do anything about. So, why do we need to tell them about each and every thing that happens in our day? I think I used to do it because I wanted to justify the fact that I had worked hard all day. It was superfluous.
My husband never came home and said, 'What in the world have you been doing all day? The house is a mess and you're sitting on the couch with your feet up while the baby naps? Why didn't you clean, cook and get all the laundry done? Why is the other kid crying and whining? Aren't you doing your job?'
He never asked those questions. Not once. He just came in, kissed all of us and started doing whatever needed to be done. He did laundry, changed babies, fed kids and went to the store. He brought dinner home on the days when I was too tired to cook. He cleaned up toys so that we could walk through the living room without breaking our legs. He did all of that and more, even when he'd had a long day. Eventually I understood that he did all of those things because he wanted to help. He even said, 'Why should I get to come home after working for nine hours and get to sit on the couch when you've already been working for eleven hours and you're exhausted? Why should a mom's job be 24/7 when the husband's job is only 50 hours a week?'
He understood more than I did. He was all in, long before I was. I'm catching up. I'm doing my part. I take care of my boys, teach them, feed them, nurture them and I take care of our home. I can even help my husband with his work, now. I'm able to get everything done, almost every single day. Does that mean my house is perfect? No. Is the laundry done and put away? No. Do I know what I'm making for dinner tonight? Nope.
It means that I did the important things. I worked out this morning. I started the laundry. I got up before my boys so that I could make them tea and toast. I snuggled with my little guys and wiped their noses when they woke up. I made breakfast. I let them talk about their dreams and worries. I listened. I held them. This morning, that's what being 'All In' means. It's time for our unschooling day to continue. They're already working and so am I. That's what it means. What does it mean for you?
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