Don't Get Lost
It's been about a week since I've written. That's longer than I like. However, the reason is a good one. I had a hysterectomy last Friday. This is day five of my recovery. The surgery went very well. My doctor did a fantastic job and I'm feeling pretty good. That being said, it wasn't easy. The hospital didn't have the necessary equipment on my scheduled surgery day. I got prepped and was in the OR when they realized they didn't have the morcellator. (My husband and I were making jokes that involved an Arnold Schwarzenegger impression.) So, I had to go home on Thursday. Then I called everyone, even the COO of the hospital, because I was so incredibly angry.
The problem got fixed and we rescheduled for the following morning. The new morcellator arrived at about the same time that I got to the hospital on Friday morning. Everyone was very apologetic. The COO came to see me, as did several director level people. They were kind, caring and did their jobs very well. The pain medication is working, which is why I haven't been writing. It's hard to write when you're on pain killers.
However, the drugs were necessary. I'm not allowed to do much right now. My boys stayed with my parents for five nights and almost six days. It was the perfect amount of time. I missed them so much, but my husband took excellent care of me. Friends brought food and flowers. I've never felt so loved. I felt a little bit like I'd had a baby. My uterus is gone, but I feel no sadness about that. I feel hopeful. It was always our plan to have two children. We have them. It was always our plan to be a family of four. Mission accomplished. My uterus is no longer needed. It was only causing me pain and lots of mess. All of that pain is gone.
I'm still recovering. I'm not allowed to lift anything bigger than a milk jug. I limit the number of times I go up and down the stairs. I eat within my budget of 1500 calories, which is pretty easy because I can't drink alcohol while on these pain killers.
My boys came home on Monday. They had an amazing time with my parents. They made movies, did scientific experiments, went to two museums, the park, restaurants and read lots of books. My mom and dad went above and beyond the call of duty and I think they had as much fun as the boys did.
We're taking things day by day. That's really the only option we have. I used to think that the whole 'day by day' things was a silly idea. It seemed superfluous. However, I've had a couple of epiphanies during my recovery:
1. When we make a decision, we then have to live with the consequences of that decision, every single moment, of every single day.
2. When we commit to something, we have to see it through to it's conclusion. Sometimes a commitment is for a minute. Sometimes it's for a lifetime.
3. A = A. Hello, Objectivists! Bet you weren't expecting that!
I committed to my husband when I married him. I've never (not one time in nine years) thought about breaking that promise. I committed to my boys when I got pregnant with Soren, eight years ago. The idea of not honoring my commitment to them is unthinkable.
When did I commit to myself? That's a tough one. I didn't choose to be born and babies aren't even aware of their own, separate existence for years. When I became aware, I didn't think about the need to commit to my own life. I just lived. That's what kids do. But I got lost somewhere. When I was in college, that became obvious. I was not committed to myself. I barely wanted to get out of bed, let alone honor my life in the way that it should be.
After I got married, I thought that my husband could fix that. He honored me. He valued me. I thought that would be enough to get me through the bad days. I was wrong. Then, I had two beautiful boys. Again, I thought that my role as a mother would be enough to pull me through. In a way, it was. I didn't quit doing my job when I felt lost. I kept on doing it and giving it everything I had. That was important. I learned that I could do my job, and even do it well, when I felt that I had nothing left to give.
However, this week taught me something else. It's not enough to live for other people. It's actually an insult to them and to myself. I don't live for Bill, Soren or Kieran. I can't. No one can. I live for myself. I take care of myself. Every choice I make has to take ME into consideration. If it doesn't, it can't last. It won't last. If I chose to care for them and ignored my own needs, I would eventually resent them. I would eventually give up, as I had given up on every other endeavor in my life.
I'm first. My health, happiness and well-being will come first, from now on. I exist. That's the only reason I need. Because I exist, I will take care of myself. Because I chose to marry Bill, our relationship is an extension of me. Therefore, I will honor that commitment. Because Bill and I chose to have children, we will honor ourselves by caring for those children.
This is the opposite of altruism. Altruism doesn't work and it doesn't make any sense. How can we live only for others? We can't. People try. People even think that altruism is good and beautiful. It isn't. It's ugly and wrong to say that others matter more than ourselves. Aren't we one of the 'others' to someone? Therefore, shouldn't we care for ourselves as much, or more than we care for the other people in the world?
We live for ourselves. Then, because we love and honor ourselves, we love and honor our relationships. We would be sad if those we love went away, but we would still exist. We would pick up the pieces and move forward, because we love ourselves the most. We would grieve, but we wouldn't be lost. To be lost and to despair is the worst offense we can commit, because it means we don't acknowledge our own worth. Think about that. If you don't value yourself, you're committing a crime against humanity. After all, you are human, aren't you? You won't allow children to be neglected or abused, but you'll neglect and abuse yourself? No more.
This is the 'day by day' thing that everyone's been talking about. Some days are better than others. Some days are painful and hard. Every single day has value because we're alive. We exist. A=A. Yeah, that's where this leads. I finally get what my husband has been on about for the last 11 years. Man, it feels good. Everything just got a lot simpler. Everything truly does come from one place. For each individual on this planet, it starts and ends with the self.
How will you honor yourself today? Will you honor your commitments? Will you make new ones? Do your old commitments honor you? I lucked out because my commitments do honor me. If they didn't, I would have to break them. Sometimes, that's necessary. If you really want to find yourself, this is what works. It isn't easy, but it gets easier. Once you make the commitment to yourself, everything else makes more sense. When something doesn't fit, it becomes easier to say, 'No, I'm not going to do that anymore. That doesn't honor me. That doesn't make me better. That makes me unhealthy, angry or hurt. I won't do that to myself anymore. I hope you won't, either.
The problem got fixed and we rescheduled for the following morning. The new morcellator arrived at about the same time that I got to the hospital on Friday morning. Everyone was very apologetic. The COO came to see me, as did several director level people. They were kind, caring and did their jobs very well. The pain medication is working, which is why I haven't been writing. It's hard to write when you're on pain killers.
However, the drugs were necessary. I'm not allowed to do much right now. My boys stayed with my parents for five nights and almost six days. It was the perfect amount of time. I missed them so much, but my husband took excellent care of me. Friends brought food and flowers. I've never felt so loved. I felt a little bit like I'd had a baby. My uterus is gone, but I feel no sadness about that. I feel hopeful. It was always our plan to have two children. We have them. It was always our plan to be a family of four. Mission accomplished. My uterus is no longer needed. It was only causing me pain and lots of mess. All of that pain is gone.
I'm still recovering. I'm not allowed to lift anything bigger than a milk jug. I limit the number of times I go up and down the stairs. I eat within my budget of 1500 calories, which is pretty easy because I can't drink alcohol while on these pain killers.
My boys came home on Monday. They had an amazing time with my parents. They made movies, did scientific experiments, went to two museums, the park, restaurants and read lots of books. My mom and dad went above and beyond the call of duty and I think they had as much fun as the boys did.
We're taking things day by day. That's really the only option we have. I used to think that the whole 'day by day' things was a silly idea. It seemed superfluous. However, I've had a couple of epiphanies during my recovery:
1. When we make a decision, we then have to live with the consequences of that decision, every single moment, of every single day.
2. When we commit to something, we have to see it through to it's conclusion. Sometimes a commitment is for a minute. Sometimes it's for a lifetime.
3. A = A. Hello, Objectivists! Bet you weren't expecting that!
I committed to my husband when I married him. I've never (not one time in nine years) thought about breaking that promise. I committed to my boys when I got pregnant with Soren, eight years ago. The idea of not honoring my commitment to them is unthinkable.
When did I commit to myself? That's a tough one. I didn't choose to be born and babies aren't even aware of their own, separate existence for years. When I became aware, I didn't think about the need to commit to my own life. I just lived. That's what kids do. But I got lost somewhere. When I was in college, that became obvious. I was not committed to myself. I barely wanted to get out of bed, let alone honor my life in the way that it should be.
After I got married, I thought that my husband could fix that. He honored me. He valued me. I thought that would be enough to get me through the bad days. I was wrong. Then, I had two beautiful boys. Again, I thought that my role as a mother would be enough to pull me through. In a way, it was. I didn't quit doing my job when I felt lost. I kept on doing it and giving it everything I had. That was important. I learned that I could do my job, and even do it well, when I felt that I had nothing left to give.
However, this week taught me something else. It's not enough to live for other people. It's actually an insult to them and to myself. I don't live for Bill, Soren or Kieran. I can't. No one can. I live for myself. I take care of myself. Every choice I make has to take ME into consideration. If it doesn't, it can't last. It won't last. If I chose to care for them and ignored my own needs, I would eventually resent them. I would eventually give up, as I had given up on every other endeavor in my life.
I'm first. My health, happiness and well-being will come first, from now on. I exist. That's the only reason I need. Because I exist, I will take care of myself. Because I chose to marry Bill, our relationship is an extension of me. Therefore, I will honor that commitment. Because Bill and I chose to have children, we will honor ourselves by caring for those children.
This is the opposite of altruism. Altruism doesn't work and it doesn't make any sense. How can we live only for others? We can't. People try. People even think that altruism is good and beautiful. It isn't. It's ugly and wrong to say that others matter more than ourselves. Aren't we one of the 'others' to someone? Therefore, shouldn't we care for ourselves as much, or more than we care for the other people in the world?
We live for ourselves. Then, because we love and honor ourselves, we love and honor our relationships. We would be sad if those we love went away, but we would still exist. We would pick up the pieces and move forward, because we love ourselves the most. We would grieve, but we wouldn't be lost. To be lost and to despair is the worst offense we can commit, because it means we don't acknowledge our own worth. Think about that. If you don't value yourself, you're committing a crime against humanity. After all, you are human, aren't you? You won't allow children to be neglected or abused, but you'll neglect and abuse yourself? No more.
This is the 'day by day' thing that everyone's been talking about. Some days are better than others. Some days are painful and hard. Every single day has value because we're alive. We exist. A=A. Yeah, that's where this leads. I finally get what my husband has been on about for the last 11 years. Man, it feels good. Everything just got a lot simpler. Everything truly does come from one place. For each individual on this planet, it starts and ends with the self.
How will you honor yourself today? Will you honor your commitments? Will you make new ones? Do your old commitments honor you? I lucked out because my commitments do honor me. If they didn't, I would have to break them. Sometimes, that's necessary. If you really want to find yourself, this is what works. It isn't easy, but it gets easier. Once you make the commitment to yourself, everything else makes more sense. When something doesn't fit, it becomes easier to say, 'No, I'm not going to do that anymore. That doesn't honor me. That doesn't make me better. That makes me unhealthy, angry or hurt. I won't do that to myself anymore. I hope you won't, either.
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