A Very Bad Day
Today is a new day. I'm trying a new thing. I promised to keep writing, even when my thoughts were not particularly positive. Last night was a little rough. I couldn't sleep very well. I had less than five hours. I'm tired. My pain medication has run out. My incision site is sore. My back hurts. My abdomen is aching.
Okay. Deep breath. My Grammy told me to write, even on the bad days. She said people will relate to the bad days, too. Maybe even more than the good days. So, here goes. I don't like this day. I don't like how I feel. I want to crawl back into my bed and pull the covers up, but I can't. I have work to do. People need me.
When I was writing poetry last night, I felt great. However, I knew that lack of sleep and the absence of pain killers would have an impact this morning. Knowing something and feeling it are two very different things. That's okay. It's just reality. It will pass.
I've been thinking about how I usually react to a day like today. I usually say, 'Well, I don't feel well. Therefore, I don't have to do the hard stuff today. I don't have to acknowledge that I still have 98 pounds to lose. I don't have to watch what I eat, because I'm sad and I need comfort.'
Wrong! Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I want to give up. I'm not going to. I'm not going to eat my way into a food induced high, because it will only lead to a bigger crash. Then, I'll feel worse than I did when I woke up. I'm going to drink my coffee and eat a normal, healthy breakfast. I'm going to record all of my calories. I still can't exercise, so I won't. I will do some light yoga stretches, just because I think that will help with my back and ab pain. If it hurts, I'll stop.
This is what healthy people do, right? They just continue, whether they had a good night of sleep or are in pain. Right? I seriously don't know. I can't remember what it feels like to push through pain and sadness. It's been way too long since I did that.
Today, the voices aren't very nice. They say, 'What if I fail again? It's been over two months since I committed to my health and that's about when I usually give up. I'll probably quit. I'll probably go right back to where I was.'
Well, those voices don't get to win today. My real voice is louder and stronger. Those little, self-destructive voices don't get to take over and bring me down ever again. Eventually, my theory is that they will give up and go away. They'll get tired of being told to shut the F up. They'll get tired of not being able to make me cry. They'll see that they're no match for me.
One day, that will happen. Until then, I will simply scream back at them. I will NEVER give up! You won't win!!! I will win! I will lose the 98 pounds, and when I do, I'll be HEALTHY and STRONG and I will NEVER GIVE IN! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE IN!'
Okay, so I had to borrow Winston Churchill's words. Sometimes we need that. We need to look at someone stronger and say, 'That's right. They're onto something. What I've done in the past didn't work. I'm going to do it differently today.'
Change is hard. But it's going to be worth it. Today, I will lean on the Hotties. I will teach my boys. I will eat 1400 calories and no more. Let's get to work.
Okay. Deep breath. My Grammy told me to write, even on the bad days. She said people will relate to the bad days, too. Maybe even more than the good days. So, here goes. I don't like this day. I don't like how I feel. I want to crawl back into my bed and pull the covers up, but I can't. I have work to do. People need me.
When I was writing poetry last night, I felt great. However, I knew that lack of sleep and the absence of pain killers would have an impact this morning. Knowing something and feeling it are two very different things. That's okay. It's just reality. It will pass.
I've been thinking about how I usually react to a day like today. I usually say, 'Well, I don't feel well. Therefore, I don't have to do the hard stuff today. I don't have to acknowledge that I still have 98 pounds to lose. I don't have to watch what I eat, because I'm sad and I need comfort.'
Wrong! Yes, I'm sad. Yes, I want to give up. I'm not going to. I'm not going to eat my way into a food induced high, because it will only lead to a bigger crash. Then, I'll feel worse than I did when I woke up. I'm going to drink my coffee and eat a normal, healthy breakfast. I'm going to record all of my calories. I still can't exercise, so I won't. I will do some light yoga stretches, just because I think that will help with my back and ab pain. If it hurts, I'll stop.
This is what healthy people do, right? They just continue, whether they had a good night of sleep or are in pain. Right? I seriously don't know. I can't remember what it feels like to push through pain and sadness. It's been way too long since I did that.
Today, the voices aren't very nice. They say, 'What if I fail again? It's been over two months since I committed to my health and that's about when I usually give up. I'll probably quit. I'll probably go right back to where I was.'
Well, those voices don't get to win today. My real voice is louder and stronger. Those little, self-destructive voices don't get to take over and bring me down ever again. Eventually, my theory is that they will give up and go away. They'll get tired of being told to shut the F up. They'll get tired of not being able to make me cry. They'll see that they're no match for me.
One day, that will happen. Until then, I will simply scream back at them. I will NEVER give up! You won't win!!! I will win! I will lose the 98 pounds, and when I do, I'll be HEALTHY and STRONG and I will NEVER GIVE IN! NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE IN!'
Okay, so I had to borrow Winston Churchill's words. Sometimes we need that. We need to look at someone stronger and say, 'That's right. They're onto something. What I've done in the past didn't work. I'm going to do it differently today.'
Change is hard. But it's going to be worth it. Today, I will lean on the Hotties. I will teach my boys. I will eat 1400 calories and no more. Let's get to work.
Comments
Post a Comment