Your Husband Isn't One of Your Children
For this particular post, I'm going to speak directly to moms who are fortunate enough to be married to men who really want to be good dads. Congratulations to you! Now get out of the way and let him do it. I know it's not always easy, especially for full-time moms. We see our children as our jobs. Your husband won't do things exactly the way you do them, but if you back off and give him a little space, you will see that he does a fine job. Sometimes he'll even handle things better than you do, but it's not a competition. Your goals are the same. Your kids love both of you. Your kids NEED both of you. Your husband will be able to teach your kids so much, if you just leave him alone.
I have to remind myself of this on a regular basis. Just yesterday I went to the grocery store (all by myself) to shop for the party we're having today. I left the house right after dinner, which meant that my husband would be in charge of bedtime for both boys. He does this on a regular basis, so no worries. When I got home and started bringing the groceries into the kitchen, I heard a lot of screaming and yelling from upstairs. Soren was throwing a serious tantrum. My impulse was to drop everything and go running up to 'help' my husband deal with the situation. Instead, I put the groceries away. I listened to everything and Bill remained calm and talked to Soren in a firm (but not angry) voice. He even had to resort to the shower technique because Soren was so out of control. I heard him put Soren in the shower and he just kept asking him if he was ready to calm down and go to bed quietly.
I practically had to tie myself to a chair so that I wouldn't go up there, but I managed to stay downstairs. When Soren was quiet and Bill finally came downstairs, he told me the story of what happened. I listened and told him that I wanted to 'help', but that it sounded like he had everything under control. He thanked me. He didn't feel abandoned. He didn't think I should get up there and 'do my job'. He wanted to handle it himself. Had I gone up there, this is the message I would have sent:
'Bill, you clearly don't know what you're doing and I'm going to have to take over. You are incompetent and I am the only one who knows how to handle our children.'
That's the opposite of the message I wanted to send. I do think he knows what he's doing. I do think he's competent and able to handle our boys. Women who constantly tell their husbands how to care for their children, or even worse, treat their husbands like children, are asking for their husbands to ACT LIKE CHILDREN.
Instead, get out of his way and let him be a parent. Unless you married an idiot, (which would be your fault and no one else's) he'll probably do a good job. He may even surprise you. The result will be that you'll have a real parenting partner when your husband is spending time with the family. He won't look to you with the big question mark on his forehead anymore. You know, the one that says, 'Um, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with these kids.' Instead, he'll practice and get better and better. Stop correcting him and let him figure it out. Ask for his help and then let him actually help, the way he wants to do it. He's not going to let your children come to any harm. He's the man you love and he loves your kids as much as you do.
I have to remind myself of this on a regular basis. Just yesterday I went to the grocery store (all by myself) to shop for the party we're having today. I left the house right after dinner, which meant that my husband would be in charge of bedtime for both boys. He does this on a regular basis, so no worries. When I got home and started bringing the groceries into the kitchen, I heard a lot of screaming and yelling from upstairs. Soren was throwing a serious tantrum. My impulse was to drop everything and go running up to 'help' my husband deal with the situation. Instead, I put the groceries away. I listened to everything and Bill remained calm and talked to Soren in a firm (but not angry) voice. He even had to resort to the shower technique because Soren was so out of control. I heard him put Soren in the shower and he just kept asking him if he was ready to calm down and go to bed quietly.
I practically had to tie myself to a chair so that I wouldn't go up there, but I managed to stay downstairs. When Soren was quiet and Bill finally came downstairs, he told me the story of what happened. I listened and told him that I wanted to 'help', but that it sounded like he had everything under control. He thanked me. He didn't feel abandoned. He didn't think I should get up there and 'do my job'. He wanted to handle it himself. Had I gone up there, this is the message I would have sent:
'Bill, you clearly don't know what you're doing and I'm going to have to take over. You are incompetent and I am the only one who knows how to handle our children.'
That's the opposite of the message I wanted to send. I do think he knows what he's doing. I do think he's competent and able to handle our boys. Women who constantly tell their husbands how to care for their children, or even worse, treat their husbands like children, are asking for their husbands to ACT LIKE CHILDREN.
Instead, get out of his way and let him be a parent. Unless you married an idiot, (which would be your fault and no one else's) he'll probably do a good job. He may even surprise you. The result will be that you'll have a real parenting partner when your husband is spending time with the family. He won't look to you with the big question mark on his forehead anymore. You know, the one that says, 'Um, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with these kids.' Instead, he'll practice and get better and better. Stop correcting him and let him figure it out. Ask for his help and then let him actually help, the way he wants to do it. He's not going to let your children come to any harm. He's the man you love and he loves your kids as much as you do.
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