Turn Towards Each Other

When you have a baby, your relationship with your spouse is tested.  Big time.  You’re both so very tired.  You’re both anxious about bringing a brand new person into your home.  Whether it’s your first baby or your last, it’s always an adjustment.  With the first one, you wonder how you can possibly take care of this tiny little being all day, every day.  With the second, you wonder how your first is going to react to a tiny little being who demands all of your attention.  I don’t know about the third or fourth, because I only have two.  

When you’re completely sleep-deprived and more than a little anxious, it can be hard to act like a team player with your spouse.  If you’re a stay-at-home parent, like I am, sometimes you get this crazy idea that your spouse has it ‘easy’ because they get to go to work in nice clothes, go out for lunch and talk to GROWNUPS all day.  They don’t have to change 15 diapers a day, breastfeed every hour and a half and somehow try to make the older child feel like he’s still important.  Forget cleaning.  Forget showering!  You’re just trying to get through the day.  Nights are really no different.  

When you start to feel like that, check your premise.  My husband, Bill,  works from home, so he’s able to help in the mornings until about 7:30 AM and he comes down for dinner by 5:30 PM.  When I first had our babies, he would even give me a break at lunch.  That went on for months.  When my husband is with us, he’s really with us.  He changes diapers, gives baths and puts children to bed.  Now that our nine-month-old is eating real food, he can even take over with the feeding, too.  When I was exclusively breastfeeding, Bill would do laundry, take Soren to preschool and do the grocery shopping.  Clearly, if I was resenting Bill, it was misplaced hormonal insanity and I didn’t have a leg to stand on.  I would usually realize this when it was just a bit too late.  He was beyond patient and tolerant.  He truly understood, as much as any man can, that my body was going through so much.  Pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding are all very demanding, even if things go ‘normally’.  I had great pregnancies, a challenging labor the first time and an easier one the next time.  Breastfeeding was very uncomfortable for me for the first several weeks both times.  It wasn’t that my babies didn’t latch on well.  It was just that I had to get used to someone being attached to a very sensitive area for the majority of the day.  I refused to give up, but came close several times.  I had to  remind myself almost daily that breastfeeding is truly the best thing for the baby and for me.  It got easier, but not easy.

That’s true of most phases of parenting.  It does get easier, but it’s never easy.  However, it is, without a doubt, the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.  It is beautiful.  I always knew I wanted to be a mom.  I yearned for the day when Bill and I would finally decide to start a family.  I was thirty-two when we got married and thirty-three when we had our son, Soren.  I wanted to get pregnant right away.  Bill wanted to wait a year.  We split the difference.  

Soren was absolutely worth the wait.  To know that I, as a woman, can grow a person in my body and then provide every single thing that baby needs, is a tremendously empowering experience.  I’ve never felt stronger than when I gave birth.  I was fortunate.  My doctors did an amazing job and Bill got to cut the umbilical cord both times.  Both of my babies nursed right away, but the first time, it felt very strange.  Even though breastfeeding is a natural thing, it still feels kind of weird the first time.  You’re trying to find the right position with this tiny infant.  He doesn’t know what he’s doing and neither do you!  The nurses were very helpful and I found that the football hold worked best for me, both times.  It really has to do with the design of your body.  The Boppy pillow was a must.  Still, I always had to nurse with one hand under the baby’s head and one hand guiding my breast to his mouth.  I was never the type that could just toss a blanket over my shoulder and nurse in public because I just don’t have enough hands.  Therefore, I was glued to my house for a long, long time.  I really only felt comfortable breastfeeding at home or the home of close family and friends.  Even then, I often went to another room.  It’s just a matter of what you’re comfortable with.  Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with other women breastfeeding in public.  I think it’s great if they can do it!  I’m kind of jealous, actually!  

With all of the demands placed on the woman’s body, we can’t help but feel extremely overwhelmed.  This leads to some frustration and lots of trial and error.  Bill, who is not always the most patient person, is proving to be a very patient husband and father.  He can’t get enough of holding his sons, even when they’re crying and it’s the middle of the night.  I would nurse and then he would take over so I could sleep.  

This kind of partnership is so important.  I don’t think I would be a very good mother if I didn’t have such a supportive husband.  I really don’t.  I try to tell him that as often as I can.  Especially after I’ve snapped at him or when I’m not being a ‘team player’.  I used to hate that term, maybe because I didn’t play team sports, but it’s so accurate.  He’s the only one who cares about my children as much as I do.  He’s the one who really understands all the little phases and issues.  He’s right there in it, with me.  

I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t turn against each other when things get tough.  Instead, turn towards each other.  When one of you is struggling, the other needs to pick up the slack.  That balance will keep shifting throughout your marriage.  The trick is to recognize it and change gears when you need to.