Great Expectations
It's Autumn and, with the changing of the leaves, I feel myself changing, too. My energy returns and I find myself planning and looking forward to the holiday season. I have plenty of motivation for our home school, for new projects, for our home, our family, etc. I feel the need to put all of these plans into action and will settle for nothing less.
I've raised the bar, for me and for my children. We're rising to the occasion. My husband doesn't need his bar raised. He always works hard, plans big things and does not settle for 'good enough'. So, right now, the four of us are on the same page. We're happy, motivated and working hard.
So, here's the problem. It's my problem, and no one else's. When things are going well, I get extremely frustrated when we hit a glitch. For example, we went out to dinner with my mother-in-law this week. What should have been a fun, relaxing evening turned into a stress test. Kieran wet his pants, right before we left. We had to get him cleaned up, clean up the bathroom and pack the diaper bag (which we haven't needed lately). Then, when we got to the restaurant and ordered the boys their chicken and fries, Soren said, 'They don't look right' and proceeded to pick at them and discuss how they 'don't taste like anything.'
Soren has been incredibly picky about food since he was BORN. Therefore, as soon as he starts this behavior, I usually say, 'This is what you chose to eat. Please either eat it, or don't, but don't say anymore negative things.'
However, Bill's mom, trying to help, started talking to Soren about how good the chicken is and getting him ketchup to dip it in. I tried to change the subject to something more interesting, but Soren was still pouting. So, getting more annoyed by the minute, I simply tried to enjoy my dinner, which was fantastic. Kieran tried everything I offered him from my plate. Bill loved his meal and so did his mom. Soren was still pouting. I tried to get him to talk about some of the fun things we've been doing in school. I tried to talk about our upcoming travel plans.
Finally, we were all finished eating and Soren asked about dessert. I said he couldn't have any because he didn't finish his dinner. Then Kieran wanted dessert. Normally, I would let Kieran have dessert because he did eat his dinner (and some of mine). However, he started crying and yelling about it, so I said, 'No, I don't get dessert for people who behave like that.'
Well, Kieran's reaction to that statement was to start a tantrum. So, I took him outside and told Bill that we would meet him at the car. Soren looked like he was going to cry.
Kieran stopped crying as soon as we got outside. We walked through the vegetable garden in front of the restaurant and talked about all the plants. It was a lovely evening. Eventually, everyone else came out to the parking lot, so we walked back to the car. We hugged and kissed Grandma, and I'm sure she was disappointed that dinner was so short. We had only been there for an hour and a half (which is really the longest my boys have ever sat at a restaurant, good behavior or not).
The car ride home was not pleasant. I told Soren that I was disappointed in his behavior. He retorted with, 'But, I wanted the little doughnuts for desert!' Yeah, and people in hell want ice water! Ok, I didn't say that, but I wanted to!
Bill said nothing. He was disappointed, too. This wasn't the evening we had planned. It did not meet our expectations. I proceeded to stew and vent about how I felt and it didn't do any good. Bill and I discussed it after the kids went to bed, which helped a little, but not much. It's only now that I realize what happened.
When our expectations are not met, we have a negative reaction. We're disappointed, frustrated, sad, angry or all of the above. I also felt guilty because I thought I should have been able to prevent it. Guilt is the most painful emotion. It eats away at your heart because you blame yourself for something. However, if you blame yourself for something that is beyond your control (like someone else's behavior) then the guilty feeling is misplaced and unfounded. This misplaced guilt is the worst kind. It's usually experienced by moms and dads who think they are responsible for their children's behavior, 100%. Children are individuals. We can teach them. We can be good role models. We can correct them, punish them, bribe them and yell at them, but they are not us. At the end of the day, they make their own choices, just like we make ours.
I'm not responsible for their choices. I'm only responsible for teaching them how to make better choices. I can choose not to take them out to dinner. I can choose to try again another day. Those are my choices.
Maybe I set the bar too high. I know that the behavior I described above is not uncommon or even all that bad. It's pretty normal. However, I want us to be better than 'normal'. I know what they're capable of, because I see them behaving like mature, interesting, engaged, wonderful young men (sometimes). I just want them to be like that all of the time, but that's not fair. I'm not mature, interesting, engaged or wonderful all the time and I'm thirty-nine years old! How could I possibly expect them to know how to be all of those things all of time when they're only six and three?!
So, I figured it out. This problem is solved. Whew. I fell better.
I've raised the bar, for me and for my children. We're rising to the occasion. My husband doesn't need his bar raised. He always works hard, plans big things and does not settle for 'good enough'. So, right now, the four of us are on the same page. We're happy, motivated and working hard.
So, here's the problem. It's my problem, and no one else's. When things are going well, I get extremely frustrated when we hit a glitch. For example, we went out to dinner with my mother-in-law this week. What should have been a fun, relaxing evening turned into a stress test. Kieran wet his pants, right before we left. We had to get him cleaned up, clean up the bathroom and pack the diaper bag (which we haven't needed lately). Then, when we got to the restaurant and ordered the boys their chicken and fries, Soren said, 'They don't look right' and proceeded to pick at them and discuss how they 'don't taste like anything.'
Soren has been incredibly picky about food since he was BORN. Therefore, as soon as he starts this behavior, I usually say, 'This is what you chose to eat. Please either eat it, or don't, but don't say anymore negative things.'
However, Bill's mom, trying to help, started talking to Soren about how good the chicken is and getting him ketchup to dip it in. I tried to change the subject to something more interesting, but Soren was still pouting. So, getting more annoyed by the minute, I simply tried to enjoy my dinner, which was fantastic. Kieran tried everything I offered him from my plate. Bill loved his meal and so did his mom. Soren was still pouting. I tried to get him to talk about some of the fun things we've been doing in school. I tried to talk about our upcoming travel plans.
Finally, we were all finished eating and Soren asked about dessert. I said he couldn't have any because he didn't finish his dinner. Then Kieran wanted dessert. Normally, I would let Kieran have dessert because he did eat his dinner (and some of mine). However, he started crying and yelling about it, so I said, 'No, I don't get dessert for people who behave like that.'
Well, Kieran's reaction to that statement was to start a tantrum. So, I took him outside and told Bill that we would meet him at the car. Soren looked like he was going to cry.
Kieran stopped crying as soon as we got outside. We walked through the vegetable garden in front of the restaurant and talked about all the plants. It was a lovely evening. Eventually, everyone else came out to the parking lot, so we walked back to the car. We hugged and kissed Grandma, and I'm sure she was disappointed that dinner was so short. We had only been there for an hour and a half (which is really the longest my boys have ever sat at a restaurant, good behavior or not).
The car ride home was not pleasant. I told Soren that I was disappointed in his behavior. He retorted with, 'But, I wanted the little doughnuts for desert!' Yeah, and people in hell want ice water! Ok, I didn't say that, but I wanted to!
Bill said nothing. He was disappointed, too. This wasn't the evening we had planned. It did not meet our expectations. I proceeded to stew and vent about how I felt and it didn't do any good. Bill and I discussed it after the kids went to bed, which helped a little, but not much. It's only now that I realize what happened.
When our expectations are not met, we have a negative reaction. We're disappointed, frustrated, sad, angry or all of the above. I also felt guilty because I thought I should have been able to prevent it. Guilt is the most painful emotion. It eats away at your heart because you blame yourself for something. However, if you blame yourself for something that is beyond your control (like someone else's behavior) then the guilty feeling is misplaced and unfounded. This misplaced guilt is the worst kind. It's usually experienced by moms and dads who think they are responsible for their children's behavior, 100%. Children are individuals. We can teach them. We can be good role models. We can correct them, punish them, bribe them and yell at them, but they are not us. At the end of the day, they make their own choices, just like we make ours.
I'm not responsible for their choices. I'm only responsible for teaching them how to make better choices. I can choose not to take them out to dinner. I can choose to try again another day. Those are my choices.
Maybe I set the bar too high. I know that the behavior I described above is not uncommon or even all that bad. It's pretty normal. However, I want us to be better than 'normal'. I know what they're capable of, because I see them behaving like mature, interesting, engaged, wonderful young men (sometimes). I just want them to be like that all of the time, but that's not fair. I'm not mature, interesting, engaged or wonderful all the time and I'm thirty-nine years old! How could I possibly expect them to know how to be all of those things all of time when they're only six and three?!
So, I figured it out. This problem is solved. Whew. I fell better.
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