Granny and the Little Girl
My mother's parents were extremely influential in my life. They were an interesting, challenging, dynamic couple and they shaped who I am today. My Granny, Ruth Ruwe, was a fascinating and difficult woman. I loved her. I still love her. I think of her almost every day. Something will remind me of a phrase she used, a song she sang or a story she told. I use her phrases, sing her songs and tell her stories. In that way, she's still very present. She's still here.
When I sing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' to my boys, as my mother sang to me and her mother to her, I can't help but imagine how much she would love my sons. She would. She would laugh at them and cry with them. She would tell them all the funny things I did when I was little, because she never forgot ANYTHING. It was her gift, and her curse.
She had a hard time letting go. She had a hard time with forgiveness. It was a struggle for her, throughout her life. She resented her husband for coming back from WWII a changed man. She resented his parents for gifting him with mental illness. She resented her own children for being different than she thought they 'should' be. That was the source of her pain. That resentment, that inability to ever get what she thought she should out of people.
But, she always accepted me. She always made me feel special, beautiful, loved, smart and important. That was her gift to me. Even on the days when I wasn't being the woman I knew I could be, she understood. She gave me the benefit of the doubt. She just loved me, unconditionally and with reckless abandon. She delighted in my stories and in my life. I knew that, when we were together, she was happy. I was, too.
I was her 'little girl'. That didn't change, even though I was thirty years old when she died. She didn't get to see me get married. She's never met my children. But she is so much a part of all of us. I hope she knew that at the end of her life. I hope she could take the joy and leave the resentment. I hope she felt some relief. Those are my wishes.
Those are my wishes for everyone I love, and for myself. I want to let go of the resentment and the pain and embrace the joy and love I've received and continue to receive from my family. It's simple, but perhaps the most important thing in the entire world.
When I sing 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' to my boys, as my mother sang to me and her mother to her, I can't help but imagine how much she would love my sons. She would. She would laugh at them and cry with them. She would tell them all the funny things I did when I was little, because she never forgot ANYTHING. It was her gift, and her curse.
She had a hard time letting go. She had a hard time with forgiveness. It was a struggle for her, throughout her life. She resented her husband for coming back from WWII a changed man. She resented his parents for gifting him with mental illness. She resented her own children for being different than she thought they 'should' be. That was the source of her pain. That resentment, that inability to ever get what she thought she should out of people.
But, she always accepted me. She always made me feel special, beautiful, loved, smart and important. That was her gift to me. Even on the days when I wasn't being the woman I knew I could be, she understood. She gave me the benefit of the doubt. She just loved me, unconditionally and with reckless abandon. She delighted in my stories and in my life. I knew that, when we were together, she was happy. I was, too.
I was her 'little girl'. That didn't change, even though I was thirty years old when she died. She didn't get to see me get married. She's never met my children. But she is so much a part of all of us. I hope she knew that at the end of her life. I hope she could take the joy and leave the resentment. I hope she felt some relief. Those are my wishes.
Those are my wishes for everyone I love, and for myself. I want to let go of the resentment and the pain and embrace the joy and love I've received and continue to receive from my family. It's simple, but perhaps the most important thing in the entire world.
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