Waa Waa Baby!
I was inspired to write this morning, as I often am, because of our ever-evolving parenting philosophy. Our philosophy is based upon the way we were parented, the children we are raising, books we read and our experience with our children. Our older son is now seven and our youngest is four.
Soren, our seven-year-old, is (and has always been) a cheerful, positive, intelligent, strong-willed human being. Kieran, our four-year-old, is a very emotional, sensitive, bright, stubborn, artistic, musical and argumentative human being. He still finds managing his emotions to be a challenge. (So do I, and I'm forty.)
Lately, Kieran has been frustrated with many things. He doesn't react well to being told what to do, to change or to not being heard. Come to think of it, neither do I. However, his reaction to these things is not rational. He will often cry, yell, stomp, throw things or even lash out physically at his brother. This is a problem. The question is, 'How do we solve this problem?' Is it only Kieran's problem to solve, or do we need to help him solve it? Or, is it that we, the parents, are part of the problem?
When I see a child out in the world who is having a temper tantrum, whining and generally behaving badly, I often say to myself, 'Wow, that poor kid. He's not getting what he needs. He wants more attention. He wants to be heard. He wants to learn how to behave, but no one is teaching him.'
I need to turn those sentiments inward and look at my own family. Kieran is no longer 'THE BABY'. He is a functioning member of the family. I need to change my reaction to these outbursts in order to help him learn a more appropriate way of expressing himself. If I respond to tears with anger, dismay, impatience or criticism, how will he learn to change the behavior? If he responds to my request to get ready to go with, 'No! I don't want to! Stop talking to me like that!' What is he really telling me? Is it that he really doesn't want to go to the beach, the pool, out to lunch, or any other place? Probably not. Could he be responding to the way I ask him to get ready? Maybe he's not a fan of, 'Boys, go get dressed. We're leaving in a few minutes!' Followed by, 'Hurry up! What are you doing? I told you to get ready five minutes ago and you're still in your pajamas! Let's go!'
Perhaps Kieran needs a little advanced warning. Perhaps he would respond better if I said, 'Kieran, would you like to go to the beach today? If you do, we need to be ready to leave in 30 minutes. What do you need to do to get ready? Can I help you with anything?'
Why do we, as parents, expect our children to act like extensions of ourselves? Why do we expect them to respond to commands and orders when we ourselves do NOT want to be ordered and commanded?? I HATE being told what to do. I like being invited. I like to have time to prepare. I do not want to be rushed! I like knowing that I have some control over my own destiny.
When I get frustrated with Kieran, he responds with immediate anger. He tells me, 'You're mad at me, so I'm mad at you! You should talk nice to me! You don't get to tell me what to do!' I got so accustomed to baby Kieran. Baby Kieran let me dress him, put him in his baby seat, drive to our destination, put him in his stroller and he seemed content. 4 year old Kieran wants to be taken into account. He wants to be asked. He wants to be treated like a human being, rather than cargo. Huh! Imagine that!
Soren didn't react this way. If you tell Soren we're going somewhere, he says, 'Okay! Let's go!' Kieran is a separate person. Why do I even need to write that as if it's some sort of revelation? I've always known they were different people, but knowing something and acting on that knowledge, are two very different things.
So, instead of telling Kieran, 'Quit being a waa waa baby! Don't be a pouty pouty pouter pants! You're acting like a baby baby in the Navy!' (These are things I actually say to my child. Please don't notify the authorities.) Maybe I could have a little compassion and just ask him what the problem is. If my husband called me a 'waa waa baby' every time I cried, we probably wouldn't be married anymore! If he made fun of me for having an emotional response, I would be furious. However, when my husband treats me with compassion and respect, my anger disappears. I'm able to become rational and operate from a place of choice, rather than just reactionary, upset craziness.
Kieran's volatile emotions are not a huge mystery. When we see our own worst behavior mirrored back to us, it is very strange. You see, until Kieran came along, I was the only 'waa waa baby' in the house. Soren isn't one and my husband certainly isn't. They are pretty easy-going, positive people. They tend to think before they act. They process things before reacting.
Kieran is an entirely different animal. Somehow, even though it's silly, I thought I might not have to deal with 'drama' because we don't have any girls. (I know, that's a really sexist thought.) I thought I might escape the heated, emotionally charged arguments that my mom and I used to have. I thought I would avoid the 'I HATE YOU's and the 'YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE!'s. Actually, his words yesterday were, 'You hate me! You are being mean to me! You don't love me, Mom!'
Wow. Even if he doesn't really think that. Even if he knows I always love him. Even if I say, 'Kieran, that's not true. I always love you and I always will, but I don't like how you're behaving right now.' Even if all that was said, my child still thinks that yelling means 'hate'. My child, on some level, wonders if I will stop loving him.
When he calmed down, I talked with Kieran privately. The conversation went something like this:
"Kieran, I love you."
"I love you, too. (Puts his head in my lap) I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, too. Do you know I will always love you, no matter what happens? That there's nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you?"
"But you were yelling. You were mad at me."
"Yes, I did yell. Yes, I was angry. But I love you even when I'm angry."
"Why?"
"Because you're you. Because I'm your mom."
"I don't like it when you yell."
"I know. I'm working on it. I don't like it when you yell, throw your iPad and hit your brother."
"Well, I just get so mad and you told me I couldn't play iPad anymore."
"Yep. I get that. We both need to work on using our words when we get angry. Can we work on that together?"
"Okay. I don't want to be the worst brother."
"You're not the worst brother! You're a very good brother. You're your own person and Soren is his own person. You're different, but that doesn't mean Soren is the best and you are the worst. It just means you're different people. I love you both. I'm glad you're different! The world would be a boring place if we were all the same!"
That was exhausting. I'm tired of being exhausted. I'm the adult. If I engage in a heated argument with Kieran, I won't help him. If, however, I maintain a calm demeanor, speak respectfully, even if he's yelling, we may actually move forward. We may be able to improve our relationship as he sees rational, positive behavior being modeled for him. I have to set the example. That's my job.
Now, I need coffee.
Soren, our seven-year-old, is (and has always been) a cheerful, positive, intelligent, strong-willed human being. Kieran, our four-year-old, is a very emotional, sensitive, bright, stubborn, artistic, musical and argumentative human being. He still finds managing his emotions to be a challenge. (So do I, and I'm forty.)
Lately, Kieran has been frustrated with many things. He doesn't react well to being told what to do, to change or to not being heard. Come to think of it, neither do I. However, his reaction to these things is not rational. He will often cry, yell, stomp, throw things or even lash out physically at his brother. This is a problem. The question is, 'How do we solve this problem?' Is it only Kieran's problem to solve, or do we need to help him solve it? Or, is it that we, the parents, are part of the problem?
When I see a child out in the world who is having a temper tantrum, whining and generally behaving badly, I often say to myself, 'Wow, that poor kid. He's not getting what he needs. He wants more attention. He wants to be heard. He wants to learn how to behave, but no one is teaching him.'
I need to turn those sentiments inward and look at my own family. Kieran is no longer 'THE BABY'. He is a functioning member of the family. I need to change my reaction to these outbursts in order to help him learn a more appropriate way of expressing himself. If I respond to tears with anger, dismay, impatience or criticism, how will he learn to change the behavior? If he responds to my request to get ready to go with, 'No! I don't want to! Stop talking to me like that!' What is he really telling me? Is it that he really doesn't want to go to the beach, the pool, out to lunch, or any other place? Probably not. Could he be responding to the way I ask him to get ready? Maybe he's not a fan of, 'Boys, go get dressed. We're leaving in a few minutes!' Followed by, 'Hurry up! What are you doing? I told you to get ready five minutes ago and you're still in your pajamas! Let's go!'
Perhaps Kieran needs a little advanced warning. Perhaps he would respond better if I said, 'Kieran, would you like to go to the beach today? If you do, we need to be ready to leave in 30 minutes. What do you need to do to get ready? Can I help you with anything?'
Why do we, as parents, expect our children to act like extensions of ourselves? Why do we expect them to respond to commands and orders when we ourselves do NOT want to be ordered and commanded?? I HATE being told what to do. I like being invited. I like to have time to prepare. I do not want to be rushed! I like knowing that I have some control over my own destiny.
When I get frustrated with Kieran, he responds with immediate anger. He tells me, 'You're mad at me, so I'm mad at you! You should talk nice to me! You don't get to tell me what to do!' I got so accustomed to baby Kieran. Baby Kieran let me dress him, put him in his baby seat, drive to our destination, put him in his stroller and he seemed content. 4 year old Kieran wants to be taken into account. He wants to be asked. He wants to be treated like a human being, rather than cargo. Huh! Imagine that!
Soren didn't react this way. If you tell Soren we're going somewhere, he says, 'Okay! Let's go!' Kieran is a separate person. Why do I even need to write that as if it's some sort of revelation? I've always known they were different people, but knowing something and acting on that knowledge, are two very different things.
So, instead of telling Kieran, 'Quit being a waa waa baby! Don't be a pouty pouty pouter pants! You're acting like a baby baby in the Navy!' (These are things I actually say to my child. Please don't notify the authorities.) Maybe I could have a little compassion and just ask him what the problem is. If my husband called me a 'waa waa baby' every time I cried, we probably wouldn't be married anymore! If he made fun of me for having an emotional response, I would be furious. However, when my husband treats me with compassion and respect, my anger disappears. I'm able to become rational and operate from a place of choice, rather than just reactionary, upset craziness.
Kieran's volatile emotions are not a huge mystery. When we see our own worst behavior mirrored back to us, it is very strange. You see, until Kieran came along, I was the only 'waa waa baby' in the house. Soren isn't one and my husband certainly isn't. They are pretty easy-going, positive people. They tend to think before they act. They process things before reacting.
Kieran is an entirely different animal. Somehow, even though it's silly, I thought I might not have to deal with 'drama' because we don't have any girls. (I know, that's a really sexist thought.) I thought I might escape the heated, emotionally charged arguments that my mom and I used to have. I thought I would avoid the 'I HATE YOU's and the 'YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE!'s. Actually, his words yesterday were, 'You hate me! You are being mean to me! You don't love me, Mom!'
Wow. Even if he doesn't really think that. Even if he knows I always love him. Even if I say, 'Kieran, that's not true. I always love you and I always will, but I don't like how you're behaving right now.' Even if all that was said, my child still thinks that yelling means 'hate'. My child, on some level, wonders if I will stop loving him.
When he calmed down, I talked with Kieran privately. The conversation went something like this:
"Kieran, I love you."
"I love you, too. (Puts his head in my lap) I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry, too. Do you know I will always love you, no matter what happens? That there's nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you?"
"But you were yelling. You were mad at me."
"Yes, I did yell. Yes, I was angry. But I love you even when I'm angry."
"Why?"
"Because you're you. Because I'm your mom."
"I don't like it when you yell."
"I know. I'm working on it. I don't like it when you yell, throw your iPad and hit your brother."
"Well, I just get so mad and you told me I couldn't play iPad anymore."
"Yep. I get that. We both need to work on using our words when we get angry. Can we work on that together?"
"Okay. I don't want to be the worst brother."
"You're not the worst brother! You're a very good brother. You're your own person and Soren is his own person. You're different, but that doesn't mean Soren is the best and you are the worst. It just means you're different people. I love you both. I'm glad you're different! The world would be a boring place if we were all the same!"
That was exhausting. I'm tired of being exhausted. I'm the adult. If I engage in a heated argument with Kieran, I won't help him. If, however, I maintain a calm demeanor, speak respectfully, even if he's yelling, we may actually move forward. We may be able to improve our relationship as he sees rational, positive behavior being modeled for him. I have to set the example. That's my job.
Now, I need coffee.
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