The Freedom of Trust
I woke up at 4:00 AM today. I didn't really want to, but that's what happened. I'm recovering from a cold and started coughing. So, I got up, made some tea and settled into some reading. My boys woke up at 6:00 AM. We had breakfast and chatted about our dreams, did some drawing and even a little singing. Yes, I know. Singing at 6:30 AM might seem a little much, but it was a natural progression. I wrote the alphabet for Kieran. He circled the letters he knows. I wrote a letter to Soren. He read it and told me he would keep it forever. It's a good morning.
Then, I started thinking. Dangerous, right? I started thinking about Trust and how important that tiny little word really is. When I feel trusted, I feel capable. I feel free to make my own choices. I feel that I can make mistakes because I know I will be forgiven and even assisted, if I need help. My husband makes me feel trusted. He empowers me to be our sons' teacher. He tells me that I'm the best person for the job. He doesn't criticize or question my ability. He doesn't remind me of the 'risks' or my past mistakes. He listens, he encourages, he offers advice and help, but only when I ask for it. He trusts me.
I trust him, too. I trust him to provide for our family. I trust him to start businesses. I trust him as a father. I trust him as my husband. I'm confident that he will make good choices that have our best interests at heart. I know that he will. He has for ten years. Even when he's had moments where he's felt like a failure or like he's made a terrible mistake, I remind him that we're in this together and that I'm here to help in any way that I can.
For these reasons, and many others, we have a solid, loving marriage. The Trust has never faltered. It never will.
If we extend these ideas to our children, we run into more challenges. Trust is earned. Little children haven't had time to earn a lot of Trust. They haven't had time to do much of anything. They are innocent. They are fresh, new little human beings who want to learn, grow and be loved. So, we love them, teach them and nurture them. I think that most parents try to do those things. We just do them in different ways. Sometimes I look at my own parenting and wonder, 'Am I really showing my boys that I love them? How could I show them better?'
I think the answer is Trust. I should trust them more. I don't mean that I don't trust them. I mean I should SHOW them that I trust them... more. Every day, they become more capable. It's my job to notice that. It's my job to say, 'Hey, I see that you're capable of doing this activity on your own now! Congratulations! You don't need me to help you (or criticize you, or question you).'
So often, we help when we aren't needed. We think we're doing something kind. We're not. We're telling our children, 'I don't trust you to do this by yourself. I think you'll make a bad choice. I think you'll mess up.' Those are not the messages I want to send. I want to send a different message. I want to send the message that my husband gives me every single day. It is simply this:
'I love you. I trust you. I know you can do it. I'm here if you need me. Go do good work!' Then he gets out of my way. He gives me time and space to do what I want to do. He doesn't hover. He doesn't coddle. He respects my choices and my intentions. He knows I'll figure it out, eventually. He doesn't need me to do it the way he would do it. He thinks I'll do it better than he could. He trusts that I will pleasantly surprise him. Therefore, I do.
This is what good teachers, mentors and leaders do for their trusted students, loved-ones and even employees. This is what people do who want to have good relationships. It goes both ways. It doesn't have to stop with a marriage. I need to extend the same trust, compassion and understanding to my own children! I really think that's the key.
When I ran these ideas by my husband this morning, he said, 'Yes, trust is earned. It's like an account. You make deposits and sometimes you make withdrawals, but as long as you have a history of more deposits than withdrawals, you will still be in good standing.'
My own father used to talk about an 'emotional bank account'. I didn't like the analogy as a teenager or young adult. It sounded so business-like. It sounded so clinical and not passionate enough. It didn't work for me then. Fast forward twenty years and it makes perfect sense. Dad also used to say, 'When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.' I wasn't ready when he first introduced the concept. I was ready when I married my husband.
This paradigm shift could be exactly the change that I need to make as a parent. It could prove to be the saving grace of my relationship with my boys. I would like to thank my dad and my husband for leading me to these ideas. I needed time to internalize them, but we all learn at our own pace. Thanks, guys!!
Then, I started thinking. Dangerous, right? I started thinking about Trust and how important that tiny little word really is. When I feel trusted, I feel capable. I feel free to make my own choices. I feel that I can make mistakes because I know I will be forgiven and even assisted, if I need help. My husband makes me feel trusted. He empowers me to be our sons' teacher. He tells me that I'm the best person for the job. He doesn't criticize or question my ability. He doesn't remind me of the 'risks' or my past mistakes. He listens, he encourages, he offers advice and help, but only when I ask for it. He trusts me.
I trust him, too. I trust him to provide for our family. I trust him to start businesses. I trust him as a father. I trust him as my husband. I'm confident that he will make good choices that have our best interests at heart. I know that he will. He has for ten years. Even when he's had moments where he's felt like a failure or like he's made a terrible mistake, I remind him that we're in this together and that I'm here to help in any way that I can.
For these reasons, and many others, we have a solid, loving marriage. The Trust has never faltered. It never will.
If we extend these ideas to our children, we run into more challenges. Trust is earned. Little children haven't had time to earn a lot of Trust. They haven't had time to do much of anything. They are innocent. They are fresh, new little human beings who want to learn, grow and be loved. So, we love them, teach them and nurture them. I think that most parents try to do those things. We just do them in different ways. Sometimes I look at my own parenting and wonder, 'Am I really showing my boys that I love them? How could I show them better?'
I think the answer is Trust. I should trust them more. I don't mean that I don't trust them. I mean I should SHOW them that I trust them... more. Every day, they become more capable. It's my job to notice that. It's my job to say, 'Hey, I see that you're capable of doing this activity on your own now! Congratulations! You don't need me to help you (or criticize you, or question you).'
So often, we help when we aren't needed. We think we're doing something kind. We're not. We're telling our children, 'I don't trust you to do this by yourself. I think you'll make a bad choice. I think you'll mess up.' Those are not the messages I want to send. I want to send a different message. I want to send the message that my husband gives me every single day. It is simply this:
'I love you. I trust you. I know you can do it. I'm here if you need me. Go do good work!' Then he gets out of my way. He gives me time and space to do what I want to do. He doesn't hover. He doesn't coddle. He respects my choices and my intentions. He knows I'll figure it out, eventually. He doesn't need me to do it the way he would do it. He thinks I'll do it better than he could. He trusts that I will pleasantly surprise him. Therefore, I do.
This is what good teachers, mentors and leaders do for their trusted students, loved-ones and even employees. This is what people do who want to have good relationships. It goes both ways. It doesn't have to stop with a marriage. I need to extend the same trust, compassion and understanding to my own children! I really think that's the key.
When I ran these ideas by my husband this morning, he said, 'Yes, trust is earned. It's like an account. You make deposits and sometimes you make withdrawals, but as long as you have a history of more deposits than withdrawals, you will still be in good standing.'
My own father used to talk about an 'emotional bank account'. I didn't like the analogy as a teenager or young adult. It sounded so business-like. It sounded so clinical and not passionate enough. It didn't work for me then. Fast forward twenty years and it makes perfect sense. Dad also used to say, 'When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.' I wasn't ready when he first introduced the concept. I was ready when I married my husband.
This paradigm shift could be exactly the change that I need to make as a parent. It could prove to be the saving grace of my relationship with my boys. I would like to thank my dad and my husband for leading me to these ideas. I needed time to internalize them, but we all learn at our own pace. Thanks, guys!!
Comments
Post a Comment