The Lies We Tell Ourselves are the Worst
The lies we tell ourselves are the most damaging. If we lie to others, it's wrong. If we lie to ourselves, it's worse. Why? Because, sometimes we start to believe our own lies. If we do that, then we lose ourselves. We forget who we are and what matters to us. We can't trust ourselves and we fall apart.
It's been a long time since I've truly fallen apart. About twelve years. I've maintained a good marriage. I've been a pretty good mom. I'm a good writer. I'm a good cook. I've been a good friend to some people. Check, check, check, check and check.
Still, I haven't been good to myself in many ways. I've gained a lot of weight back. I stopped working out. I stopped eating well. I started engaging in other self-destructive behavior. I did it slowly, over time. So slowly that even I didn't really notice it. Not until I did. Now, I'm back on the wagon and trying to make healthy choices. Again.
If you've read my blog for a while, you have witnessed a pattern emerge. If you know me personally, you've seen the evidence of that pattern. If you know and love me, you might wonder, 'Why?'
I don't have a good answer yet. I think there are many contributing factors, but the real reason is buried deep. It's a truth I haven't even completely admitted to myself. I'm still lying to myself, if only a lie of omission.
I'm going to get to the bottom of it. It's going to happen soon. It has to. I'm not healthy. My unhealthy patterns are catching up to me. My blood pressure is too high. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm 42 and I need to take care of myself. Not for my kids. Not for my husband. Not for anyone, except me. Those people will all benefit, but it isn't for them.
I have to stop lying.
It's been a long time since I've truly fallen apart. About twelve years. I've maintained a good marriage. I've been a pretty good mom. I'm a good writer. I'm a good cook. I've been a good friend to some people. Check, check, check, check and check.
Still, I haven't been good to myself in many ways. I've gained a lot of weight back. I stopped working out. I stopped eating well. I started engaging in other self-destructive behavior. I did it slowly, over time. So slowly that even I didn't really notice it. Not until I did. Now, I'm back on the wagon and trying to make healthy choices. Again.
If you've read my blog for a while, you have witnessed a pattern emerge. If you know me personally, you've seen the evidence of that pattern. If you know and love me, you might wonder, 'Why?'
I don't have a good answer yet. I think there are many contributing factors, but the real reason is buried deep. It's a truth I haven't even completely admitted to myself. I'm still lying to myself, if only a lie of omission.
I'm going to get to the bottom of it. It's going to happen soon. It has to. I'm not healthy. My unhealthy patterns are catching up to me. My blood pressure is too high. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm 42 and I need to take care of myself. Not for my kids. Not for my husband. Not for anyone, except me. Those people will all benefit, but it isn't for them.
I have to stop lying.
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