The Demon of Self-Doubt

I'm systematically eradicating all the unhealthy demons in my world.  I've lost almost 40 pounds.  I'm exercising daily and watching my nutrition.  I'm writing regularly and even making new friends.  Life is getting better, every single day.

The last big thing on the health list was quitting smoking.  Well, mission accomplished.  I quit four days ago and will never light up again.  I read Allen Carr's 'Easy Way to Stop Smoking' and it really changed my perspective on quitting.  When I quit in the past (which I did many times) I would always feel like I was depriving myself of something I really enjoyed.  

Allen Carr showed me that we don't really enjoy smoking because there's nothing to enjoy.  We've tricked ourselves into thinking we enjoy it because we need to feed that nicotine addiction.  However, the nicotine addiction is not a hard one to deal with.  It's out of our systems in three days and the withdrawal symptoms are negligible.  We've been brainwashed into thinking that quitting smoking is hard.  Therefore, it is.  Once I truly understood that I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, it became easy.  That's not to say I haven't felt some withdrawal pangs.  I have, but it isn't pain.  It's nothing more than a slightly anxious feeling that can easily be dealt with by saying, 'Yes, I feel you, nicotine monster!  You don't get to be in charge anymore!' 

The idea that it could be easy to quit smoking was laughable to me at first, due to the brainwashing from our society and other smokers.  That kind of brainwashing happens in lots of other areas, too.  We think something is too hard, so we don't even attempt it.  That's how I used to feel about exercising and losing weight.  That's how I used to approach my children's education.  It's seemed too big and too important to try to do it myself.

I needn't have worried about that one, either.  We had our first assessment for Soren today.  As I already knew, he's performing at about a third or fourth grade level in most subjects.  He would just be finishing first grade this month.  The fears I had when I started homeschooling were all laid to rest.  That validation felt so good, although I wish it didn't matter to me.  I wish I really didn't care when the teacher told me my child is gifted.  I've known that for years, so why did it feel so good to hear her say all the things I already knew?  

It's because I'm not as sure of myself as I want to be.  It's because I doubt my own abilities and constantly wonder if I'm doing enough.  It's the thing that keeps me up at night.  My greatest fear is that I will not give my boys the education they deserve.  When self-doubt creeps in, it's very difficult to get rid of it by thinking.  I tend to seek information and validation from trusted sources.  I'm hoping that I will need validation less and less, as my confidence in these areas grows.  I can measure the progress we're making.  Over time, that will be all I need to prove TO MYSELF that it's working.  

Until that day, the support of my husband, my boys, my friends and the Hottie Body Fitzness Challenge peeps means a great deal.  Until I truly trust myself and my own judgement, it really helps to have a few people (or a thousand!) on my side.