No Strings Attached
This was inspired by a friend's facebook post yesterday. It was about generosity. If we are generous, while expecting something in return, are we still being generous? It was a good question. At first, I thought, 'No, but reciprocity is nice.'
Then I asked myself, 'However, if we truly want to help someone, then we must offer the help, while expecting nothing in return.' Mutually beneficial relationships are the best, but sometimes, the people we choose to help aren't capable of giving anything back to us. Is that okay?
Yes. I think it is. When our children are very little, they can't give much back. We have to take care of everything, while they aren't capable of appreciating or returning the favor. However, as those children grow, they become capable. If we've done a good job, they start showing us how much they love us. My sons are capable of returning my love, now. They do it every day, in very sweet and funny little ways.
However, that wasn't a requirement. Even if my children never learned to give my love back to me, I would still love them. I will love them, unconditionally, until the end of my days.
Now, do we offer that kind of unconditional love to anyone else in our lives? That's a tricky one. I want to say, 'Yes'. However, I'm not sure if that's true. When I choose to love someone, it is with my whole self, but I have my limits. If someone treats me badly and is abusive in any way, I end the relationship. This abuse isn't limited to physical.
I love my husband more than any other adult human on the planet. However, we both know that the only reason we would ever end our marriage would be because one of two things had happened. Abuse or Infidelity.
That means that we do not love each other unconditionally. We have two conditions. That's it. Just two. Still, they are conditions. I used to think unconditional love was a requirement for marriage. It isn't. Ours is a strong marriage, but we both know that it's breakable. I'm fully confident that neither of us will break those two rules, but the scientist in me has to admit that it's possible. It's all about choice.
What about friendship? I have a few more rules for friends. If someone lies to me or betrays me in any way, I'm likely to confront that person. If the behavior continues, the relationship will end. I've only done that with a couple of friends in my life, but I've done it.
Beyond those rules, when I decide to love someone, I want that choice to go on forever. I love deeply and completely. I don't like to hide anything and I hate secrets. It's a lot to ask of a friend. I think that's why I don't have very many close friends. I have a few. That's enough. I know a lot of people. I like them. I like to hear about their lives and I'm interested in our differences.
I don't intend to close my life off from others. It just seems to happen that way, most of the time. As my friendships unfold, sometimes I learn something very difficult. Over time, people reveal their true selves. Some people reveal everything and are then embarrassed by it. They start avoiding. I try to reassure them that I'm still here, but I've had many friendships end because people felt they'd told me too much and just wanted to forget about it.
My close friends have shared their stories with me, as I have with them. They know who they are and they know that I'm not judging, gossiping or wishing they were different. I don't do that. I share my own stories very freely, but I will not break a confidence. I won't tell stories that aren't mine.
I try to support the people I care about. I try to show them that I'm not going anywhere, no matter how difficult things become. I know they would do the same for me. I used to think those rules only applied to marriage. I was wrong. I'm glad I was wrong.
I used to think friendship wasn't really that important. I thought my husband, my kids and my family were enough. I was wrong about that, too. And, again, I'm glad I was wrong. Thanks for reading, friends!! No strings attached!
Then I asked myself, 'However, if we truly want to help someone, then we must offer the help, while expecting nothing in return.' Mutually beneficial relationships are the best, but sometimes, the people we choose to help aren't capable of giving anything back to us. Is that okay?
Yes. I think it is. When our children are very little, they can't give much back. We have to take care of everything, while they aren't capable of appreciating or returning the favor. However, as those children grow, they become capable. If we've done a good job, they start showing us how much they love us. My sons are capable of returning my love, now. They do it every day, in very sweet and funny little ways.
However, that wasn't a requirement. Even if my children never learned to give my love back to me, I would still love them. I will love them, unconditionally, until the end of my days.
Now, do we offer that kind of unconditional love to anyone else in our lives? That's a tricky one. I want to say, 'Yes'. However, I'm not sure if that's true. When I choose to love someone, it is with my whole self, but I have my limits. If someone treats me badly and is abusive in any way, I end the relationship. This abuse isn't limited to physical.
I love my husband more than any other adult human on the planet. However, we both know that the only reason we would ever end our marriage would be because one of two things had happened. Abuse or Infidelity.
That means that we do not love each other unconditionally. We have two conditions. That's it. Just two. Still, they are conditions. I used to think unconditional love was a requirement for marriage. It isn't. Ours is a strong marriage, but we both know that it's breakable. I'm fully confident that neither of us will break those two rules, but the scientist in me has to admit that it's possible. It's all about choice.
What about friendship? I have a few more rules for friends. If someone lies to me or betrays me in any way, I'm likely to confront that person. If the behavior continues, the relationship will end. I've only done that with a couple of friends in my life, but I've done it.
Beyond those rules, when I decide to love someone, I want that choice to go on forever. I love deeply and completely. I don't like to hide anything and I hate secrets. It's a lot to ask of a friend. I think that's why I don't have very many close friends. I have a few. That's enough. I know a lot of people. I like them. I like to hear about their lives and I'm interested in our differences.
I don't intend to close my life off from others. It just seems to happen that way, most of the time. As my friendships unfold, sometimes I learn something very difficult. Over time, people reveal their true selves. Some people reveal everything and are then embarrassed by it. They start avoiding. I try to reassure them that I'm still here, but I've had many friendships end because people felt they'd told me too much and just wanted to forget about it.
My close friends have shared their stories with me, as I have with them. They know who they are and they know that I'm not judging, gossiping or wishing they were different. I don't do that. I share my own stories very freely, but I will not break a confidence. I won't tell stories that aren't mine.
I try to support the people I care about. I try to show them that I'm not going anywhere, no matter how difficult things become. I know they would do the same for me. I used to think those rules only applied to marriage. I was wrong. I'm glad I was wrong.
I used to think friendship wasn't really that important. I thought my husband, my kids and my family were enough. I was wrong about that, too. And, again, I'm glad I was wrong. Thanks for reading, friends!! No strings attached!
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