Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!

Soren and I have been discussing how important it is to tell the truth... No matter what.  He's been experimenting with lying to get out of getting into trouble.  This is normal, four-year-old behavior.  However, I want to make sure to correct it and nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.

For example, this morning, Soren and Kieran were playing in another room while I packed up for a trip to the Y.  I suddenly heard a very loud scream from Kieran and I went in to ask what happened.  Soren said, 'Kieran hit himself.'

I said, 'That doesn't sound like what really happened.  Why would Kieran hit himself?  Did you hit Kieran?'

'No, I didn't.  I really didn't.'

'Ok, well, maybe you need some time in your room to think about what really happened so you can tell me.'

'No, I don't need to go to my room.'

'Oh, so you're ready to tell me the truth now?'

'Yes.  I hit Kieran because he wouldn't get out of my way?'

'If Kieran was in your way, was there a nicer way to get him to move?  Or could you have moved around him?'

'I guess so.'

'Thank you for telling me the truth.  Now, please go to your room for 20 minutes and think about why you should never hit your brother.'

'But, I thought if I told you the truth, I wouldn't have to go to my room!'

'No, if you tell the truth, you won't have to go to your room for as long as you would if you continued to lie.'

'Oh.'

When Soren came back downstairs, we had a conversation about the importance of TRUTH.  If I can't trust you, how can I have a good relationship with you?  If you can't be trusted, why would people want to be friends with you?  Or work with you?  He seemed to get it.

I know it isn't over.  This is normal human behavior.  He will test it out again. He will try to lie in order to get what he wants or to change my perception of what's going on.  He'll lie because it seems easier.  He'll lie to make other people think more highly of him.

It's my job to show him that lying doesn't work.  I'm still working on how to teach him that.  I won't always be there to show him the consequences of his actions.  Life will show him that.  If you lie about hurting your brother, you mom will teach you why that was wrong.  If you lie to people outside of your family, they may never want to talk to you again.

I remember lying to my parents as a kid.  I remember lying to my parents as an adult, too.  It didn't work.  It hurts.  It hurts the person you lie to, but it also hurts the liar.

Maybe it seems like I'm coming down on him a little too hard on this one.  I don't think so.  I think this is one of the most important lessons for parents to teach.  It is one of the fundamental values of being a good person.  We tell the truth to others and TO OURSELVES.  If we can do that, consistently, then we're setting ourselves up for success.  Hard work, honesty, integrity and RATIONAL thought.  These will drive success.

Yes, I know he's four.  I'm thirty-eight.  My husband is forty-seven.  I can say, with absolute faith, that my husband has never lied to me about anything.  That is why our relationship works.  Well, it's one of the reasons, but it's a big one.  I want Soren and Kieran to be able to have good relationships with friends, family, coworkers and their future mates.  That's the goal.  Honesty is a major ingredient.  Without it, you have nothing of value.

Ok, all of that deep stuff aside.  I realize that he'll try it again.  He'll make up stories in his head and try them out on me, his dad and anyone who will listen.  Then he'll get a reaction.  The reaction will teach him a lot about his behavior.  If we laugh and ignore it, he'll learn it's ok.  If he gets away with it, he'll think it's a good thing to do.  It's not, so I won't.

Nobody wants to hang out with a liar, liar, pants on fire!