The Fog Has Lifted

 It's been quite some time since my last post.  I don't really understand why I stopped writing, or why I feel compelled to write this morning.  I just know that I did stop and now I want to start again.  The fog has lifted, for now, and I feel the need to pour myself onto the page.

Writing has been my chosen therapy for about thirty-six years.  It's cheaper than going to a trained professional and I usually discover the answers to my own questions as my fingers fly over the keyboard.  The keys are my metaphorical keys to understanding why I do what I do and think the way I think.

As I sipped my coffee this morning, I became aware of an awakening.  Yes, I was literally waking up from a good night's sleep, but I also felt that my true self was waking up.  It's been over a year and a halt since I've felt that way.  I've missed it.  I've missed feeling like myself.

For a reason that still eludes me, after forty-four years on this planet, I allowed myself to get lost in the fog for too long.  It happens gradually; so gradually that I'm not even fully aware it's happening, until it's too late.  The fog that steals my passion, curiosity and desire to be fully present in the moment is gone.  How long will these moments of clarity and desires to engage in healthier behaviors last?  I don't know.  I just hope it's going to be a long time.  I hope I never go back into the fog, where I stop taking care of myself, both physically and emotionally.

You see, I have a rather cyclical nature.  I tend to experience long stretches of depression, followed by shorter periods of intense energy.  It was labeled as Bipolar type 2, when I was twenty years old.  Some say it's hormonal or triggered by stressful situations.  I just know that it's been happening since I can remember.  I've accepted that part of myself.  I just wish I could stop relearning the same things over and over and OVER again.  

For now, I simply want to enjoy the feeling of my fingers clicking on the keys and the sound of the dryer quietly working in the laundry room above me.  I want to sit on my deck with a cup of coffee and watch the world wake up.  The sun will rise soon.  The literal fog has already lifted.  It's going to be a busy and wonderful new day.  My husband will be up soon.  We will have breakfast.  Our boys will join us and tell us all about their dreams and plans for the day.  We will move into the familiar pattern of our life. The difference is, I will be fully present today.  I will be aware.  I will be listening and learning with the men in my family, instead of sleeping late and dragging myself through the motions of our life.  

I'm happy to be awake.  I just hope the fog doesn't come back too soon.  I hope I learn how to manage it better when it does.  I hope I can continue the healthy eating, exercise and all the other good things I'm trying so hard to accomplish right now.  That may sound like a lot, but today I know it's possible.